Then maybe they should die and decrease the surplus population!


Stan: Ah, we're always running late, you ugly skank.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said I can't wait to own a fishing tank.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. Well, neither can I.

Cartman: Well let's go home and start eating that candy.
Kyle: We can eat it at Cartman's house and see more naughty pictures of his mom.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Hey! My mom said she was young, and needed the money!
Kyle: Cartman, those photos were taken, like, last month!

Damn it! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!


Cartman: Where is Kyle?
Stan: He'll be here any minute... I bet I'll get more candy than you
Cartman: No way, dude; I'm the candy master!
Stan: No, you're the ass master; there's a difference.
Cartman: Hey! I'm not the one who spent all day dressing up like Pippy Longstocking!
Stan: Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman: Goddammit, my mom is NOT on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!

Kyle: He was too young to be taken away from us.
Stan: Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw!

Kyle: (sees Stan's costume and laughs) You look like a pansy!
Stan: Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, what are you supposed to be?
Stan: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Kyle: Why did you dress up like Raggedy Andy for?
Stan: Wendy's coming to school dressed up like Raggedy Ann, so that way, we'll win the costume contest as a pair.
Kyle: No way, dude; I'm going to win the contest with my sweet Chewbacca costume.
(Cartman shows up at the bus stop.)
Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Kyle: Cartman, what kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's an Adolf Hitler costume. (imitates Adolf Hitler)
Stan: Where'd you get that?
Cartman: My mom made it. Isn't it cool?
Kyle: No, it's not cool!
Cartman: What're you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody?
Stan: No. I'm Raggedy Andy, fat-ass!
Cartman: Oh, you look pretty cool...
(Cartman and Kyle both laugh.)
Kyle: (to Stan) Sissy!
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh, look out! Holly Hobbit's all pissed off!

Stan: Oh, look, Kennny's not dead.
Kyle: You forgot to wear a costume, Kenny.
Stan: Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?
Kyle: Why is your family so poor, Kenny?
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, that yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
(Kyle, Stan and Cartman laugh; Kenny doesn't respond)
Cartman: I said: Your family had to put up a cardboard box for a second mortgage! Hear that? I'm talkin' to you, Kenny! Come on! Poor piece of crap.

Doctor: Very interesting...
Mortician: What is it, doc?
Doctor: Well, your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your eyes are all puffy and sticky...
Mortician: Oh no! You mean...?
Doctor: Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have pinkeye.
(The mortician and his assistant both gasp in horror.)
Doctor: I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch you.
Assistant: Oh, I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is...brains!
Doctor: Yeah, well, for God's sake, don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.

Cartman: Hey, all of a sudden, my costume is pretty bad-ass, huh?
Kyle: Dude, dressing up like Hitler is NOT bad-ass!
Cartman: You're just jealous. Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid wookie?
Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor!
Cartman: (mimicking Kyle) Wookies don't live in Endor!
Kyle: Well, At least my mom's not on the cover of "Crack Whore" magazine!
Cartman: What?? What did you say?

Kyle: Hey, dudes.
Stan: Oh good, you're here. Now, let's make sure that we got everything. Flashlight?
Cartman: Check.
Stan: Plastic pumpkin pails?
Kyle: Check.
Stan: Tazer?
Kyle: What's that?
Stan: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off. v

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
(Zombie Kenny doesn't respond)
Cartman: I said, your dad would be a millionaire, Kenny! Kenny?! Your family is poor, Kenny! Hey, your family's poor!
(Zombie Kenny still doesn't respond)
Cartman: I don't like Kenny anymore; he just doesn't communicate.

South Park Season 1 Quotes

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo: Daaagh!
Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski??
Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!!

Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No kitty, this is my pot-pie.
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No KITTY, THIS IS MY POT-PIE! MOM! Kitty's being a dildo!
Liane Cartman: Well then, I know a certain kitty-kitty whose sleeping with mommy tonight.
Cartman: What?