Stan, Cartman and Kyle: Trick or treat?!
Old Lady: Oh, how cute.
(Kenny bites her arm)
Stan: Dude, Kenny!
Old Lady: Oh, my god! Call 911!
Cartman: Nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us candy!
Stan: Yeah, she had sweetie pops.
Cartman: You owe me a sweetie pop, asshole!

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Trick or... (they scream as they see Chef hold up two chainsaws in front of them)
Chef: Get off my property, you brain-eating zombie bastards!
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Chef! It's us!
Chef: Oh! Sorry, children; I thought you were one of them!
Cartman: Can we have some candy now?
Chef: (referring to Cartman's "ghost" costume) Damn it, boy! Why are you dressed up like that?!
Cartman: I'm trying to trick-or-treat, goddammit!
Chef: Remind me to whoop your ass the next time I see you. Now get inside before the zombies get you. [

Principal Victoria: Good morning there, children. I love the Elvis costume, Chef.
Chef: Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel! Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis??
Principal Victoria: Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?

Stan: I learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes or candy. It's about being good to one another and giving and loving.
Kyle: No dude, that's Christmas.
Stan: Oh. Well then what's Halloween about?
kyle: Costumes and candy.
Stan: Oh yeah.

Randy: How does it feel to be a hundred and two, Paps?
Grandpa: Shoot me!
Sharon: Make a wish, Grandpa...
Grandpa: I wish I were dead!
Randy: That's our silly Grandpa!
Grandpa: I'm not kidding, God Dammit! I really want to die!

Randy Marsh: I think I'm getting that stomach flu you gave me.
Mr. Garrison: It's that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me.
(the mayor exits the porta-potty)
Randy: Hey, mayor. Were you making gravy in there?
Mayor: I just gave birth to a brown baby boy.

Stan: Jesus, what happens if someone really wants to die and you kill him?
Jesus: I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.
Stan: Goddammit!
Jesus: I heard that.

I think I got that stomach flu from Kenny. I'm getting the green apple splatters!

Mr. Garrison

Caller: Jesus, this is...
Jesus: Martin, from Aspen. Yes, I know.
Caller: How'd you know that?
Jesus: Maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac.

What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own grandparents.


Grandpa: What about you? You can kill me, can't you?
Cartman: I would never kill somebody... Not unless they pissed me off.
Grandpa: Oh, is that a fact?? Well, let me tell you something, porky! Your mom was over here earlier today, and I humped her like a little bitch!
Cartman: What?!
Grandpa: That's right!
Stan: Grandpa!
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her, too!
Cartman: (angered) Eh...
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass your great-grandma was...
Grandpa: That's the spirit, tubby!
Stan: (pulling Cartman away) C'mon, Cartman. He's just trying to get to you.
Cartman: (getting dragged away) Don't you EVER talk about my mom like that again!
Grandpa: Did I ever tell you about the time I boffed your dad, fatso??

With genetic engineering we can correct all of God's horrible mistakes, like German people.

Dr. Mephisto

South Park Season 1 Quotes

Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo: Daaagh!
Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski??
Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!!

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Stan: I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do...