South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park

Stan, Cartman and Kyle: Trick or treat?!
Old Lady: Oh, how cute.
(Kenny bites her arm)
Stan: Dude, Kenny!
Old Lady: Oh, my god! Call 911!
Cartman: Nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us candy!
Stan: Yeah, she had sweetie pops.
Cartman: You owe me a sweetie pop, asshole!

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Trick or... (they scream as they see Chef hold up two chainsaws in front of them)
Chef: Get off my property, you brain-eating zombie bastards!
Stan, Kyle, and Cartman: Chef! It's us!
Chef: Oh! Sorry, children; I thought you were one of them!
Cartman: Can we have some candy now?
Chef: (referring to Cartman's "ghost" costume) Damn it, boy! Why are you dressed up like that?!
Cartman: I'm trying to trick-or-treat, goddammit!
Chef: Remind me to whoop your ass the next time I see you. Now get inside before the zombies get you. [

Principal Victoria: Good morning there, children. I love the Elvis costume, Chef.
Chef: Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel! Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis??
Principal Victoria: Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?

Stan: I learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes or candy. It's about being good to one another and giving and loving.
Kyle: No dude, that's Christmas.
Stan: Oh. Well then what's Halloween about?
kyle: Costumes and candy.
Stan: Oh yeah.

Randy: How does it feel to be a hundred and two, Paps?
Grandpa: Shoot me!
Sharon: Make a wish, Grandpa...
Grandpa: I wish I were dead!
Randy: That's our silly Grandpa!
Grandpa: I'm not kidding, God Dammit! I really want to die!

Randy Marsh: I think I'm getting that stomach flu you gave me.
Mr. Garrison: It's that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me.
(the mayor exits the porta-potty)
Randy: Hey, mayor. Were you making gravy in there?
Mayor: I just gave birth to a brown baby boy.

Stan: Jesus, what happens if someone really wants to die and you kill him?
Jesus: I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.
Stan: Goddammit!
Jesus: I heard that.

I think I got that stomach flu from Kenny. I'm getting the green apple splatters!

Mr. Garrison

Caller: Jesus, this is...
Jesus: Martin, from Aspen. Yes, I know.
Caller: How'd you know that?
Jesus: Maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac.

What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own grandparents.

Grandpa

Grandpa: What about you? You can kill me, can't you?
Cartman: I would never kill somebody... Not unless they pissed me off.
Grandpa: Oh, is that a fact?? Well, let me tell you something, porky! Your mom was over here earlier today, and I humped her like a little bitch!
Cartman: What?!
Grandpa: That's right!
Stan: Grandpa!
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton and had my way with her, too!
Cartman: (angered) Eh...
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass your great-grandma was...
Cartman: YOU PIECE OF CRAP; I'LL KILL YOU!!!
Grandpa: That's the spirit, tubby!
Stan: (pulling Cartman away) C'mon, Cartman. He's just trying to get to you.
Cartman: (getting dragged away) Don't you EVER talk about my mom like that again!
Grandpa: Did I ever tell you about the time I boffed your dad, fatso??

With genetic engineering we can correct all of God's horrible mistakes, like German people.

Dr. Mephisto
Displaying quotes 73 - 84 of 137 in total

South Park Season 1 Quotes

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Stan: I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do...

Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today Chef?
Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles, and a choice of green bean casserole, or vegetable medley.
Cartman: Kickass.

× Close Ad