Not since I fell off the roof while they were delivering our trampoline have things come together so beautifully.

Phil

How surprised should we be? I mean he's basically a hyperactive toddler who just wants to play all the time.

Alex

I wanna hear your point but right now this magic juice is gonna help mama turn that bathtub into a swim up bar.

Claire

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Luke

Well that's attractive. You look like a puppy with a slipper.

Mitchell [to Cam]

Gloria: Manny's first girlfriend is a senior with a Mustang.
Jay: I'd have put my money on a sophomore with a mustache.

Claire: Haley I need the wifi corner get down.
Haley: Ugh! I need Instagram to know there's still beauty in the world!

With great hotness comes great responsibility.

Haley

Said it since day one. The only thing coordinated about this kid is his outfits.

Jay [about Manny]

Stress is all a part of football. If you're not throwing up in your mouth, you're not doing it right.

Jay

I can be challenging finding playmates for an exceptional child. I don't mean to brag, but that's why i didn't have any friends.

Mitchell

Claire: Why are you trying to turn this into a fight? I called to yell at you for getting me sick. Love you, bye.
Mitchell: I love you too.