Right now you’re her pal and I’m just a pitchfork wielding she-devil.

Mitchell [to Cam]

We’re having a little staycation but with a turkey instead of a steak!


I like staying with you but it's basically camping.

Manny [to Haley]

I listened to her meringue instructions in the car last week. There was so much whipping and beating I had to pull over.


News Reporter: How does your spouse feel about you coaching?
Cam: Oh this one, he's my rock, he's my Connie Britton.
Mitchell: Your Connie Britton?
Cam: Mrs. Coach on Friday Night Lights.

Haley: Did anyone see my leopard print skirt?
Phil: I saw a leopard headband on the stairs.
Haley: That's it.

Phil: Sometimes a boy might be a good distraction. I remember a certain young lady who was pretty addicted to Miss Pacman until a dashing young gent caught her eye.
Claire: Only because you were wearing a feather earring.
Phil: It wasn't a feather, it was a dreamcatcher. And it worked.

Unless you can convince Tom Brady to spend the night, I am not making breakfast for any football players…He is a football player right?


What could be more natural than your mother’s tongue in your ear?


I know I know, you hear football coach and you expect to see somebody who screams John Wayne. Meanwhile the only time I’ve screamed the Duke is when we’ve argued over who’s the cutest on Downton Abbey.


Jay: So you don't think I look like Ben Franklin?
Gloria: Oh yes! That's who it is! The man from the hundred dollar bill. My favorite!

It's obvious mom, you use Halloween as a way to show people you have edge. It's like accountants who buy are Harley.


Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.