Oh what? The mascot's a beaver, those jokes will get old.

Claire

Okay you need to calm down. This college tour, not Oprah's favorite things.

Alex

Listen to me. I think you went to the jewelry store inside here (points to Jay's heart) and brought back a gem.

Manny

I think I could be a little less Ryan Gosling, and a little more everyman.

Cam

Claire: Check this out, a reflecting pond.
Alex: Great maybe you can see how crazy you’re being right now.

You can’t do this. We’re a danger to ourselves. We’re a family of fire starters, poison eaters, and online prostitutes.

Phil

A lot of people assumed that I married you for your money and that’s only a very, very small part of it. I married you because you’re sexy. You still are. Who knows how long that’s going to last for either of us?

Gloria

Cam: Hey counselor, what do I have to do to get you to drop that suit?
Mitchell: Cam what are you doing here?
Cam: Surprising my hugs-band!

That's the fourth Hawaiian shirt he's lost. I'm telling you this is a Dateline story waiting to happen!

Jay

Luke: Move!
Haley: You have plenty of room!
Luke: No, move out. You're 40!

Comfort is not everything. My toes have been numb since my Quinceanera.

Gloria

Mitchell: There is no easy way to ask this, but are you all high?
Claire: No Mitchell, we're happy.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Luke