Coming up with a lie like that in the moment? That girl is no clown, she's gonna be a lawyer.

Mitchell

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Haley [smells pot]: Hey! Smells like a party!
Claire: Back inside.
Haley: Ok.

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

Cam: I present to you the Asian for any occassion, the clown that will invert that frown, the dynamic duo of Fizbo and...
Lily: Lizbo!
Mitchell: Are you not hearing that?
Cam: We're working on the name.

What have I said about sneaking up on me? I could've been shaving. This could've been a Sweeney Todd moment.

Mitchell

He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Jay [about Joe]

Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.

Manny

Usually when everything's normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.

Mitchell

This was a huge mistake. I am jammed in the backseat with a hairy Peruvian biter. It's spring break '92 all over again!

Cam

Cam: It was right about then that a question started nagging at me: "Is Phil sexy?"

Life's too short to be ruled by fear. What do you say we get you the right dryer princess?

Phil [to Cam]

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

Claire: My mom started drinking these cocktails called "horny Colombians" with some of Gloria's uncles, whom apparently the drink was named after
Phil: Oh come, they were funny
Claire: They kept grabbing my butt
Phil: Somebody is full of herself. It's a Colombian wedding tradition.. they said