Cam: Woo! That's the real Jay!
Jay: You know it! [snaps finger]

Nobody likes dancing more than the gays. Pretend you're on a float!

Mitch

When it comes to wine, this woman doesn't see color. She'll drink anything you put in front of her.

Phil

Haley: I hope I can be as cool as you guys in 30 years.
Gloria: Does she think we're fifty?
Mitch: No, she's just really bad at math.

The family needs a leader, and I can't do it forever. You can handle it.

Jay

You're not going to drive me into a bad neighborhood to show me how lucky I am, are you?

Alex

I knew we should have poured the tequila in your belly button. That's why they have these systems in place.

Manny

If God wants a hamburger, this is what she cooks it on!

Phil

You know what a human pyramid is without hours of training? Ten obituaries!

Phil

I couldn't be more relaxed if I was in a coma.

Claire

You're obviously going to get into one of those snooty schools, and sometimes you're gonna come in second. Or fourth. Or maybe even tenth. But you're gonna dust yourself off, maybe put on some lipstick for once, and keep going.

Haley

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil