Leaving Phil with a car salesman is like covering a baby goat in barbecue sauce and dropping it in the middle of the Serengeti.

Jay

Mitchell: She's gonna wake up.
Cam: Oh please, she's got enough pills in her, she's gonna rattle like a maraca.

Sweetheart you've had 2 boyfriends in 30 seconds, that's practically Haley's record!

Claire [to Alex]

Cam: Let's get this woman into bed and in the morning out of the house as fast as we can. Honestly, I don't know how straight guys do it.
Mitchell: Probably without those hand gestures.

Jay: Where were you when I was growing up? I'd of had your dice and cigarettes before you got to homeroom.
Manny: Where'd you go to school? "Guys and Dolls?"

We're showing Lily that we trust her enough to have one nice thing.

Mitchell

Claire: Who's Victor? We never heard about him.
Haley: Oh because I knew you'd never let me go out with an ex con.

Haley isn't the only hottie living here. I washed the car in my cheer shorts the other day. I definitely felt eyes on me.

Phil

I get that Thanksgiving is an big day for families that don't see each other, but we're together nonstop.

Jay

Cam: I just can't believe I slipped into one of Gloria's dresses.
MItchell: Relax it's a maternity poncho.

Do you think we could just go downstairs and throw money at this and it would go away? I'm asking you, do you think that would work?

Jay

Cam: Trust me, I have another plan.
Mitchell: Really? Because right now our daughter is walking around like a Vietnamese Annie Hall.

Modern Family Quotes

That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe? A cereal commercial.

Phil

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay