Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Episode 4: "Saving Private Brian" Quotes
Chris: The army sounds awesome! And the recruiter said, with any luck, I could get the clap from a twelve year-old Chinese prostitute.
Peter: Oh, that's great! You'll be serving your country, just like American film legend, Mickey Rooney.
(scene switches to Mickey Rooney in a chair)
Mickey Rooney: Hi, I'm former biggest star in the world Mickey Rooney, and, as you may know, I am totally and completely insane! I like to yell at mice with my shirt off! (a shirtless Rooney kneels by a mouse) Aaah! Aaah! Sometimes, I like to steal other people's scabs! (Rooney steals a man's scab and runs off) Aaah! Aaah! How do I stay so crazy? (lifts up a jar of pills) Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills! Take one with breakfast, one with lunch, and before you know it, you'll be up on your roof, pooping in the chimney! (switches to Rooney sitting on a chimney, pants down) Hold out your stockings, kids!
(playing piano and singing) I am Peter Griffin, I like fancy food, I like reading comic books and dressing like a dude! (throws piano) Oh yeah! Rock 'n' roll!
Peter
Chris: Hello, James Woods High! I'm Chris, and this is my band, Splash Log! And we are gonna rock this place until about 9:30, cuz that's when the dance is over!
Lois: Chris, I don't like this attitude of yours.
Chris: I don't care what you think of me!
Peter: Oh, I envy that. I am so self-concious about what people think of me.
Stewie: Brian, did you see Revenge of the Sith?
Brian: Yeah, I saw part of it.
Stewie: Why does Emperor Palpatine have a desk?
Brian: Huh?
Stewie: In that scene where Yoda comes in and they're about to have that big fight, Emperor Palpatine clearly gets up from his desk. I'm just saying, what does he...what does he need a desk for?
Brian: Who the hell cares?
Stewie: I'm just saying, it's weird. I mean, like, what was he doing at his desk right before Yoda walked in? What was he doing? Was he doing paperwork? Was he, like, "Uh Yoda, what do you need, and will it take longer than five minutes? I'm absolutely swamped. These requisition forms for new TIE fighters have to be down to Debbie in accounting by six or Nute Gunray is gonna pitch a tent in my waiting room."
Stewie: What are you doing?
Brian: What does it look like? I'm leaving.
Stewie: You can't leave. That's desertion! They'll come after you like Peter came after that hockey coach! (Pause) No clip? Huh. Thought we had a clip.
Peter: Good thing we distracted the guard with that riddle.
Guard: What gets wetter as it dries...a towel. Hey, I've been had!
Sgt Angryman: Where are you from boy?
Stewie: Quahog
Sgt. Angryman: There are only two things in Quahog steers and queers and I don't see any antlers. So what does that make you?
Stewie: Queer?
Sgt. Angryman: Right!
Stewie: Oh did I get it?
(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)
(Iraqi Guy tells Iraqi Suicide Bomber how to bomb a store.)
Iraqi Suicide Bomber: Ok, I go in store, I throw Back-Pack, Big boom!
Iraqi Guy: No, no, no, you are big boom, big hero!
Iraqi Suicide Bomber: Okay right, so I throw backpack, come back and have big hero party with many virgins!
Iraqi Guy: No no no no no no. You BOOM!
Iraqi Suicide Bomber: Ohh ok ok, I put on backpack, BOOM, then I come back, big hero virgins.
Iraqi Guy: OK yeah, see you in a few minutes big hero.
(Gregory Peck and his kids are riding in the car, his kids look and talk exactly like him)
Son #1: Are we there yet?
Son #2: It's crowded back here!
Son #3: Stop touching me!
Son #2: Your leg is rubbing up against mine!
Gregory Peck: Hey! Quiet down or I'm pulling over.
Son #1: Stop breathing on the window!
Son #2: You idiot! That's condensation, it's on the outside.
Gregory Peck: That's it! I will come back there and so help me god, I will hit you with my ring-hand.
Presenter: And the Grammy, for biggest posse goes to...Ja Rule!
Madonna: What!?
Presenter: No Madonna, posse, posse.
Madonna: Oh.
