Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras.

Peter

Peter: Gretchen? Wow. You look great.
Gretchen: Yeah. I didn't have kids, so.

Hey, it's Stewie. All I know about cars is what my mom does.

Stewie

Grab that letter opener over there. I'm going to show you why you should never mail cash.

Cleveland

Peter: Is that the one where they make his dress in little shorts and hats like the guy from AC/DC?
Brian: Yeah. Why does he wear that outfit?
Peter: 'Cuz he rocks!

I'd be happy to get you an interview. And as a white woman, you'd be the minority here. Unless you're an alcoholic.

Cleveland

Love is a powerful compass.

Joe

We can make this work, like couples who meet on Craig's List.

Brian

Oh, Brian's a complete dick, we all know that, but I think we're losing sight of the point that Bonnie's a weird slut who's always letting you know she's open for business.

Quagmire

I'm a bigger scumbag than Spock.

Brian

Here, we brought you guys an orchid from Trader Joe's, because we don't know or care about any of your interests.

Peter

That one trip to the petting zoo really messed me up. I saw too much.

Stewie

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley