Good God, it looks like two eggs wrapped in a handkerchief.

Stewie (as Carter bends over)

Lois: That was a delicious dinner, daddy.
Carter: You all laughed when I suggested Boston Market. Well, who's laughing now? I guess I am.

Nothing reminds you more of what you have than watching a grown man poo right through the split in his pants.

Lois

Lois: And Meg I hope you learned your lesson about drinking.
Meg: Yeah. I think I'd rather live my life as a loser than feel bad once in a while.
Lois: Well, I hope you know that you're our loser.
Meg: Thanks, mom.

Meg: Dad, what are we going to do?
Peter: You think it's too early to tie our shirts around our heads to show we're going insane?

Brian: Joe, Joe, it's Brian. Listen. I have to tell you something. I'm - I'm pretty sure Principal Shepard killed his wife.
Joe: That's a serious accusation. Do you have any proof?
Brian: I have something better than proof. Rank suspicion born out of boredom and loneliness.

My little girl's a drunk. Oh my God. Where did we go wrong?

Peter

Peter: So what do you do for fun around here? You got DirectTV?
Putin: We have Time-Warner.
Peter: You have HBO?
Putin: We have Starz.
Peter: You have ESPN?
Putin: We have FOX Sports 1.
Peter: That come in HD?
Putin: 420D.
Peter: You got --
Putin: Everything you say, I say something little bit worse.
Peter: You got Simpsons?
Putin: We have Family Guy.
Peter: Ah. I did it to myself.

Russia has all the hottest and ugliest women in the world. All 10's and 1's.

Peter

Peter: How do you say friend in Russian?
Putin: There is no Russian word for it.

Vladmir Putin: Where is bathroom? I George Brett myself on plane.
Peter: Eww. Gross.

Cafeteria Kid: Your dog wrote an insensitive Tweet. You can't eat here.
Chris: Uh oh, Meg. It's a sensitivity mob.
Meg: It was just a joke.
Cafeteria Girl: There's no such things as jokes anymore.
Other Cafeteria Boy: Yeah, we live in a post-joke world.

Family Guy Quotes

Vladmir Putin: Where is bathroom? I George Brett myself on plane.
Peter: Eww. Gross.

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley