I've been touched by greatness. I'll never watch this hand again. This is the best thing that happened to me since I became a wise-cracking, fourth wall breaking superhero.

Peter [after touching Boo Berry]

Brian [about Fast and Furious movies]: So what's the plot?
Stewie: Oh. So you don't understand these movies.

Chris: I can't tell if they have a really strong marriage or a really bad one.
Meg: I feel like it's weird but strong. Like Danny Trejo.

Brian: Quagmire? What are you doing here?
Quagmire: Oh, I have an all-access pass to anything sex related in this town.

What's the matter, Brian? Have you fallen and can't get up?


You're stuck being a single loser. You might as well embrace it.


Good God, it looks like two eggs wrapped in a handkerchief.

Stewie (as Carter bends over)

Lois: That was a delicious dinner, daddy.
Carter: You all laughed when I suggested Boston Market. Well, who's laughing now? I guess I am.

Nothing reminds you more of what you have than watching a grown man poo right through the split in his pants.


Lois: And Meg I hope you learned your lesson about drinking.
Meg: Yeah. I think I'd rather live my life as a loser than feel bad once in a while.
Lois: Well, I hope you know that you're our loser.
Meg: Thanks, mom.

Meg: Dad, what are we going to do?
Peter: You think it's too early to tie our shirts around our heads to show we're going insane?

Brian: Joe, Joe, it's Brian. Listen. I have to tell you something. I'm - I'm pretty sure Principal Shepard killed his wife.
Joe: That's a serious accusation. Do you have any proof?
Brian: I have something better than proof. Rank suspicion born out of boredom and loneliness.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley