Stop it right there, Lois. This is Family Guy. We only do the male side of the joke.

Peter

We time is just as important as "me" time.

Peter

Peter: Well, maybe I can give you half a breadstick later.
Lois: As long as you don't mind a little marinara dipping sauce.
Peter: That's absolutely disgusting. And I love it!

Peter: Ugh. It's the guys. What do those losers want?
Lois: Losers? Those are your friends.
Peter: Nah. They're lame. Not one of them has ever vaped at a funeral.

Stryker: Hey come over here. There's someone I want to introduce you to. 1997 George Clooney.
Peter: Wow. That's the coolest George Clooney there is.
Clooney: Hi. George Clooney. Second worst Batman.
Peter: Peter Griffin. Second best Homer.

Oh, Lois just texted. Burgers or meatballs for dinner? I'll text back for you. Same things, bitch, just different shapes.

Stewie [to Peter]

Anthropologie Associate: Sir. There's nothing strange or useless enough that we don't have here at Anthropologie.
Peter: I know one thing you don't have. Black customers.
Anthropologie Associate: Aaah! I'm melting!

This Emmy thing goes deep. The same people win year after year after year. It's like there's some kinda secret society that takes all the awards and is keeping us from getting one.

Peter

Like all television viewers, our first priority before deciding to continue watching a show should be whether or not it features enough diversity.

Female TV Viewer

Peter: You guys aren't supporting my choice?
Quagmire: What do you expect, Peter? A sex change operation? Why you doing this?
Peter: I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this. For me. M.E. M.E. I'm doing it for M.E.

The ethnic characters on these Emmy-winning shows aren't exactly rocket scientists are they?

Peter

Griffins let's make this an Emmy-winning episode, so get all your pukes and farts out now.

Peter

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Gotta a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Gotta, gotta nice little story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for 3 years? Huh? Gotta, gotta compelling protagonist? Yeah? Gotta obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Gotta story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yea, talking about that 3 years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off

Stewie