Peter: Some people say we're just a computer simulation run by a higher species. Is that true?
God: It is.

Peter: You were right about everything.
God: Say that again.
Peter: You were right about everything.
God: That's all I needed to hear. That's what religion is. It's not about being good or bad. It's just blind subservience to an imaginary being.

God: Actually, Peter, from what I've seen, I think your family would be better off without you.
Peter: What? What do you mean?
God: Well, you're an inattentive husband and a terrible parent.
Peter: Oh, says father of the year.
God: Oh, please. He played that for all it was worth. "Why has God forsaken me?" You know what? I did him a favor.
Peter: Okay, there's a lot to unpack there.

Every adult has to take an Ambien every night to even have a prayer at sleep.

Lois

Peter: God?
God: Yes, but no Trump questions.
Peter. Okay, but I have nothing else to ask you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on the couch, on the couch.

Peter

Dad, I don't know how to thank you. You've given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

Quagmire

C'mon, Quagmire, it's not impossible. You want impossible? Try eating local pizza with a guy from New York.

Peter

You don't know what that penis meant to me. We did everything together. Everything.

Quagmire

Peter: Doc. Give it to us straight. What's going on with our friend?
Dr. Hartman: Well, Mr. Griffin, there's no easy way to put this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. He's black.
Peter: Not that friend. Quagmire.
Dr. Hartman: Oh. Him.

  • Permalink: Oh. Him.
  • Added:

Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.

Hammer

Peter: What happened? All of a sudden I feel I know better than everyone else.
Hammer: That's because anytime anyone walks through a cloud of vape smoke, a millennial is born.

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)