Homer: Lisa you're smart, help me trick her into taking me back!
Lisa: Dad, you can't trick somebody into loving you. There's a reason two people come together and stay together - there's something they give each other that nobody else can give them. If you wanna get Mom back, you'll just have to remember what you give her that no one else can.
Homer: I'll pay you forty dollars if you think of it for me.
Lisa: No.
Homer: Okay thirty.

Smithers: Mr. Simpson, are you listening? (Homer eats an orange) Simpson?!
Homer: Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.
Moe: Oh, you were not! You were just eating a damn orange.
Homer: Well, yes, yes, to the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange, not to the eye that has brains; I'm making a point about marriage! For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange. First, you have the skin...then the sweet, sweet innards... (devours it)

If he can teach a class, then he can teach a class! I mean, I can teach a class!

Homer

What is a wedding? Well, Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as, "the process of removing weeds from one's garden."

Homer

Bart: I missed you so much that I couldn't concentrate in school and I got an "F."
Homer: This is dated two weeks ago.
Bart: Oh, sorry. Here's a fresh one.

Marge: Homer I really don't like you telling personal secrets in your class.
Homer: Marge I didn't tell em personal stuff.
Marge: Today at the Kwik-E-Mart everyone knew I dyed my hair blue.
Homer: Oh you mean about you?

Annex Manager: Now Tell me Mr. Simpson, what special skills could you teach a class on?
Homer: Uh... I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Annex Manager: No you can't! No one can!

Homer: Oh. And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.

Groundskeeper Willy: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I'd have taken the orange eating class.
(cut to orange eating class)
Moleman: The eating of a good orange is a lot like a successful marriage.
Grampa: Just eat the damn orange!

Annex Manager: We need someone to teach a course on how to build a successful marriage.
Homer: I'll do it! Anything to get me out of that house, away from all that nagging, and noise... uh, of a family of love. Tra-la-la-la!

I can't believe I paid ten-thousand dollars for this class. What the hell was that lab fee for!?

Otto

Homer: Good news, Lisa! I don't need your mother anymore. I've created a replacement for her that's superior to her in almost every way!
Lisa: Dad, that's just a plant.
Homer: Lisa! You will respect your new mother! Now, give her a kiss. Kiss her! (he knocks the plant out of the treehouse) Aah! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! All right, let's get our stories straight she tripped, right?

The Simpsons Season 5 Quotes

Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Burns: Oh, and one more thing: you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers Actually sir, we found the jade monkey. It was in your glove compartment.
Mr. Burns: And the road maps, and ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent! It's all falling into place...