Lewis: My ankle will never be the same because of you.
Jonathan: What? I just saved your life.

(to Jonathan) Let's go have a drink and get drunk. Sixteen gin and tonics.


Jonathan: Why didn't you write a second novel?
Jonathan's client: Because I was afraid to.

I suck at everything.

George, you're being way too hard on yourself. It's not good for your immune system.

Jonathan: What's your secret?
Kidnapper: Never go to bed angry. Pass this on to you.
Jonathan: Come on that's your secret? Never go to bed angry?!

Kidnapper: Do you have any rich friends?
Jonathan: Yes, I have one, but I really don't think I should involve my friends.

Jonathan: Oh my God! What is that?
Ray: I've got long foreskin. Not everybody is Jewish ya know.

Can you please look at my penis and tell me I'm an adult male.

I think I may have the smallest penis in the world.

Jonathan: George, why are you having an affair with your ex-wife?
George: Because I've never fallen out of loved with her.

The meat packing district really has become Los Angeles.

Bored to Death Quotes

Men face reality. Women don't. That why men need to drink.


I've always been intrigued by Stockholm Syndrome. Make me think of my childhood.