Nancy: Why is the bed moving?
Andy: There must be an earthquake.
Nancy: Are you jerking off?!?

Esteban: Our son will be baptized by a priest in a church
Nancy: Sorry, he's Jewish. Snip, snip. Eat fish. Start saving for law school

Andy [about Audra]: She likes me
Gale: She's gonna burn in hell for all eternity
Andy: Well I'd rather laugh with the sinners, Gale
Gale: For now...

Silas [about baby Botwin]: He's kind of cute
Shane: Who cares? He's probably just gonna want to play soccer

Dean: My rate is five hundred dollars an hour
Doug: Wooo... that better include a rim job

Pilar: Do you know why I've never had children?
Nancy: Because you'd eat them and children are super fattening?

Shane: Why don't you sell something people want.
Celia: Like what?
Shane: Like drugs.

Andy: Esteban seems like the type to just throw you on the table and f-ck you.
Nancy: That works, too.
Andy: See, we'd never have worked. I'm not rape-y enough for you.

Andy, on his sexual technique: The key is to focus on where the sidewalk ends.
Nancy: I know. I'm a girl.

Come and see me. Hope you're good. And please don't have a scraggly moonshiner beard unless you plan on starting a cult. In which case, go beard

Nancy [to Andy on phone next to him]

Nancy: You're guzzling coffee?
Shane: Ignacio says it puts hair on you chest
Nancy: Right and spinach gives you instant muscles and an anchor tattoo

Nancy [talking about the ring from Esteban]: You notice anything different? about my hand?
Shane: Oh yeah. he said he was going to ask you.
Nancy: He told you?
Shane: We had an hombre to hombre talk... much respect... I'm cool

Weeds Season 5 Quotes

Celia: That was humiliating.
Rudolfo: I know. I'm sorry, I could not untie you.
Celia: You're supposed to wipe front to back

You're a slutty, irresponsible, slutty slut.

Andy [to Nancy]