The Office Season 1 Quotes
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it.
- Permalink: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at w...
Dwight: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael: Uh, none. You're picking a health care plan.
- Permalink: OK, first let's go over some parameters. How many people can I f...
In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, 'Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. I'm dead.' Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.Dwight
- Permalink: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care i...
Dwight [Reading suggestions for health care coverage]: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures.
Kevin: That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: Someone has it.
- Permalink: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures. That's a real thing. ...
Jim: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
- Permalink: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease...
Dwight: Count Choculitus.
Jim: Sounds tough.
Dwight: Why did you write that down Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?
- Permalink: Count Choculitus. Sounds tough. Why did you write that down ...
I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and openmindedness... openmindedness, is that a word? Um... into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed (holds up the paper) Daffy Duck. (laughs) He's gonna lose it when he reads that.Michael
- Permalink: I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge ...
Michael: You know what, here's what we're going to do. Let's go around and everybody, everybody, name a race you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. (Dwight raises his hand) Go!
Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.
- Permalink: You know what, here's what we're going to do. Let's go around an...
Kevin: [to Angela, who is role-playing as a Jamaican] Do you wanna go to the beach?
Kevin: Do you wanna get high?
Kevin: I think you do... mon.
- Permalink: Do you wanna go to the beach? Sure. Do you wanna get high? ...
[after role-playing exercise] You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive...no pun intended. But I just thought, 'too soon' for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball's in their court.Michael
- Permalink: You'll notice I didn't have anybody being Arab. I thought that w...
Jim: Thanks Dwight.
Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit.
Jim: *That* is not the expression
Dwight: Well it should be.
- Permalink: Thanks Dwight. Retaliation. Tit for tit. *That* is not the e...
Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North," and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.Michael
- Permalink: Abraham Lincoln once said that If you are a racist, I will attac...
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