The Magicians
Wednesdays 9:00 PM on SyFyThe Magicians Season 5 Episode 10: "Purgatory" Quotes
Elaphus: I want you to stop time traveling.
Penny 23: Are you like the god of time or something?
Elaphus: Hardly. I’m a time traveler like young Plum here. I have been monitoring you.
Plum: And now you’re keeping us prisoner?
Elaphus: ‘This one will be smart,’ I thought, ‘Cautious.’ Then you had to risk altering the future to save some young pervert.
Penny 23: Is this the part where you draw us little diagrams about screwing up the flow of time or whatever?
Elaphus: Nice thing about the 21st century, you’ve all seen ‘Looper,’ so I can get to the point. We are here because though I would rather be making lamps, I am forced to focus on the most important task there is: protecting the integrity of space-time, which you threaten. I’d have hoped you’d waste your time on something useful, try to kill Hitler at least.
Plum: I was getting to it.
Kady: We’re gonna get those pricks for this.
Alice: I don’t know Kady. Maybe we should just walk away.
Kady: Look, you can walk away, but I’m not done ‘til I cut that son of a bitch’s balls off. I owe them that for tying me up, and I owe them triple for what they did to you. You can sit it out, OK.
Alice: Um no, we’re in this together.
Fen: Oh, this is so beautiful. You friendship really is the most underrated form of love. I’m sorry. I’m just extra emotional with the assassination going sideways, and then Josh, Eliot, and Julia not making it back. Not to mention all that crazy stuff Plover told us, it’s just really overwhelming. So uh, what have you guys been up to?
Josh: OK, OK, OK, Josh, Josh, calm, calm. You are in Taker home base land, I guess, or never fear -- no reason to fear -- because Taker kryptonite for some reason. Focus, mission, get home. Also, don’t die. When you were lost at Burning Man, what did you do? You called Margo.
Margo: Ahh, Voldemort’s clit.
Charlton: Is she trying to do magic? Should you tell her that it’s a waste of time?
Eliot: Should I? It seems like it’s helping.
Julia: Hmm.
Eliot: Hey, uh, gentle reminder, this is a magic-proof cell, so the hedge witch explosive arts and crafts are at best wishful thinking.
Julia: And you didn’t think to tell me that 45 minutes ago?
Eliot: It seemed like you needed an activity. I’m honestly trying to help. It’s bad enough for me, and I don’t even have a human inside me.
Charlton: Except you do, technically.
Julia: I can’t believe I thought I could fix this. I’m the reason we’re here in the first place.
Eliot: Hey, I wouldn’t say that.
Julia: Face it, I failed Eliot.
Eliot: You didn’t fail. You’re just tired, you’re cooped up.
Julia: I stole a quest. I got it wrong. I screwed magic on earth. I screwed us here, and the thing about it is, you know, facing ever increasing bad odds is you have to be really good at thinking of the next thing to try.
Eliot: Hey, uh let’s just take a deep breath, OK. We’ll just …
Julia: I mean there is nothing else. We are done. We are gonna die here; my baby is gonna die here. We’re gonna die and it all went to shit.
Eliot: Hey, you’re just having a moment.
Julia: This is not a moment, it’s my life.
Charlton: Hey, you need to calm her. She’s gonna give the baby bad humors.
Julia: I just heard a voice say ‘ bad humors.’
Eliot: You heard that?
Charlton: You heard me? Can you still here me? This is wonderful. My name is Charlton.
Julia: What the fuck’s a Charlton?
Julia: Well maybe this baby’s a traveler. That’d be pretty god damn handy right about now, no? OK, we need to quantify this shit: what’s happening, how can I control it, keep baby safe, and get us the hell out of here.
Eliot: I studied this first year. That make us take sex ed, what with inter-magician relations being so fraught with STIs and peril. I think we may have covered this stuff.
Julia: You think?
Eliot: I’m not proud, but I was on a record amount of greenhouse cannabis, and while technically I heard every single word, it was all, you know, song time lyrics. I was there, but in a greater sense was I there?
Charlton: Well, perhaps I can help. If you were as you say there, perhaps the remembrance itself…
Eliot: Is intact in here still somehow. That is brilliant. Can you…
Charlton: Yeah, I can certainly attempt.
Eliot: My imaginary friend is on it.
Fogg: Do’s and don’ts of magical intercourse.
Eliot: I avoided real college so I didn’t have to see real shit like this.
Margo: Are you kidding? This is spank bank material.
Fogg: If it burns when you pee, infirmary. Red bumps like a curse, see the nurse. Scales, feathers, fur…
Margo: Medical attention that rhymes with fur, read you loud and clear.
Josh: You can’t hear that but that is a Taker screaming for some reason.
Ash: Whose eye is that?
Josh: Uh nobody’s. It’s my girlfriend’s eye.
Ash: That’s not better you know.
Josh: She lent it to me.
Ash: Are you an adult?
Josh: Of course. Do I not seem like an adult?
Penny 40: I should get the bad news out of the way: I can’t help you.
Josh: Why the hell not?
Penny 40: Take a look around. Librarians have been going through some shit lately, no magic, too much magic but unpredictable. A lot of our folks got relocated, and we kinda don’t exactly know where. OK, perfect world, your boss steps in and oversees shit, but Hades has vanished.
Josh: Your boss is the god Hades? Cool, expect for the abandoning you part.
Penny 40: Can’t say that’s great. We got a skeleton crew. And, here’s the bad news for you: Our connection to the world of living, Hades controls that, and right before he FO’d he flipped the switch.
Josh: Why? Man, dead you is just way more zen. So after all that, why did you stay?
Penny 40: I make a promise. I keep it.
Benedict: Penny, you got my invite.
Penny 40: Uhh.
Benedict: Oh, you need something.
Penny 40: Sorry man.
Benedict: This is so typical. You don’t come to my brunches, which I guess is fine, but you could at least RSVP.
Josh: That is the polite thing to do, so he doesn’t have too much food.
Penny 40: That makes sense.
Plum: A time traveler walks into a bar in Vienna 1908, sits next to a young art student named Adolf Hitler. Adolf sighs into his beer. ‘You know what I hate,’ he asks. Time traveler says, ‘I don’t know, Jews.’ And Hitler goes, ‘Huh, now that you mention it.’ Penny, you gotta laugh, right?
Penny 23: You’re right. They’re no good jokes about time traveling.
