Archer
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on FXArcher Season 1 Quotes
(Malory is Depressed because she thinks Sterling's Dead)
Malory: (Despondent) Bring me some posion Pam because I don't wish to live anymore! I'm dead inside...
Pam: (holding notice) Too, dead inside to read good news?
Malory: (overly dramatic) Is it my Obituary?
Pam: (smirking) Well, it's not that much good news.
Malory: (snarling) GIVE ME THAT, OAF!!
(looks at paper) OH MY GOD! Sterling! He's Alive!!
(To himself) Barry, does this make up for Framboise? It does other Barry, it sure does.
Barry
(Barry walks into the Office thinking Lana killed Archer)
Lana: (offscreen) Barry, you might want to call the cleaners.
Barry: Wha...?
(We hear something smash)
Lana: (looks down at unconscious Barry) Because there is lamp everywhere.
(Carol to Cyril, who has his hand pinned to Pam's mouth)
Carol: (suspicous) What are you doing?
Cyril: (lying) Just trying to get my muffin back!
Carol: Uh, not like that your not (growls) You gotta slug her in the stomach, with a forarm shiver.
(Cyril looks at Pam, who gives him a pleading look)
Carol: DO IT!!!
Cyril: Sorry.
(Rams his forarm into Pam's stomach)
Pam: (Throws up contents and key) Bleeck!
Carol: See? Time lost is muffin lost (drops lunch bag) And so is my appetite.
Pam: Come on Ms. Archer! You've been in there ten hours, meet us half way and Krieger will let you out of there.
Krieger: Or else he'll crank up the heat again.
Cheryl: I love... that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection, that didn't involve homeless people.
(Kreiger is choking Carol/Cheryl with his robotic hand)
Carol/Cheryl: (strangled) Kreiger! Grrgh Doopp!! Goont Dooop!
(Kreiger turn off the arm, Carol/Cheryl pants and gasps)
Kreiger: OH GOD! I am so sorry I didn't realize...
Carol/Cheryl: (annoyed) What are you doing? I said "Don't stop!"
(In engine room with Carol and Pam)
Pam: So in your, dream the impossible dream world, your ruining cyril's life because you think it'll make Archer jealous, thus getting him back to you?
Carol: (naked except for mop covering her) Ohhh, pamela you read me like a poem...
Pam: (disgusted) Oh Yeah? Well what's the poem gonna be about, when Cyril snaps and murder's you!?
Carol: (shrugs) I don't know, "World's Gushiest Orgasm?"
Cyril: Archer?
Archer: Cyril? What are you...
Cyril:(interrupting) I think I need your help, I think I'm losing it here, man.
Archer: What gave it away, my mother's robe?(furious) Why are you wearing my mother's robe?
Cyril: I can explain this!
Archer: I don't think I want you to!
Cyril: See, it all started when you and Lana were...
Archer:(Interrupting) Cyril, you should tell her this.
Cyril: I tried, but you were naked, and it was all vulva this and...
Archer: Yeah, yeah, and as you stand here, d*ck and/or balls being caressed by my mother's robe(ugh), Lana is waiting for you.
Cyril: Really, where?
Archer: The Led Zeppelin suite.
(pause)
Cyril: There's a Von Zeppelin suite
Archer: Which I'm sure is what I meant.
Cyril: Thanks, Archer, you're the best! (Hurries off)
Archer: I know
(Finding out Carol/Cheryl and Cyril had sex)
Pam: (luaghing) Oh My God hahaha! You two banged?
Cyril: See, here's the thing...um..uh...well..FRUIT BASKET!! (THrows basket at the girls and runs out)
Pam: (to Carol) Wow. You are just a dog in a manger aren't you?
Cheryl: (snarky) I don't know what that means Pam. I wasn't raised on a cheese farm..
Pam: OH FOR THE LOVE OF...(glaring at Carol) It's called a Dairy
Lana: Did Cyril run past here sobbing in a woman's bathrobe?
Malory: Well it wouldn't surprise me, you're driving him stark-raving mad.
Lana: What'd I do?
Malory: Running up and down in your cheap Fiachi knockoffs
Pam: Against the rules.
Malory: Half-naked, tits bouncing around like you're at a rodeo.
Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: (goes to answer door) My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
(Opens door in her underwear to reveal Cyril in Steward outfit) Crappy timing...
(Malory is in her bedroom with Pam and a unconcious Carol/Cheryl is laying on her bed half naked)
Malory: (annoyed) Mind telling me what this is about?
Pam: (nervous) Right here's the thing see what happened Cyril....
Malory: (gestures to Carol) JESUS CHRIST DID HE KILL HER!?
Pam: (frantic) No, no! He ran from her, to go confess to Lana. But then this one starts going crazy and...long story short I had to drown her in the bathtub.
Malory: So you killed her!? (Carol suddenly coughs up water gasping)
Pam: Apparently not...
