Lana: [to Poovey] Can you hotwire it?
Cyril: Nobody can, because it's English and it's stupid, with a bunch of stupid English wires.

Archer: Okay, you know what? [swerves] Laugh it up, laughers. Since you like jokes so goddamn much...
[swerves and throws Dutch off his motorcycle]
Archer: Hahahaha. Oh hey, did you hear the one about -
[drives car over Dutch]
Everyone: Oh my God.
Lana: Archer, wait!
Archer: Or the one about -
[drives car over Dutch again]
Lana: Archer!
Archer: Or here's one! Knock knock?
[drives car over Dutch again]

Trexler: Get me out of here alive, and the ransom money and we'll call it even, okay?
Archer: Uh, we're way more than even.
Trexler: How do you figure?
Archer: Because your final thought on this Earth wasn't about how my gun tasted!
Trexler: Fair enough.
Archer: Right?

Archer: Okay. A. ,The Tin Man is not a robot.
Trexler: The Tin Man is -
Archer: A magical being, like a leprechaun, Pinocchio, an enchanted Nutcracker.
Trexler: Whatever! He doesn't have a heart!

Lana: Excuse me, I am effecting an arrest!
Archer: Great, while you're at it, arrest him.
Lana: Who?
[Dutch Dylan shouts and jumps out of top story window]
Archer: [chuckles] ...if for nothing else, that outfit.

Archer: Typical! Typical typical typical typical!
Lana: What could possibly have been typical about that?!
Archer: ME! I always do shit like this.
Poovey: Like what?
Archer: All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse, and the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole, and I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses and trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping, and then, to top off all the bullshit, getting chased by GODDAMN ROBOTS!! I mean, [beep] halberts, Jesus Christ!!

Are you kidding? Dreamland has a whole goddamn Nazi robot farm in the basement. In THIS economy!

Dutch Dylan/Barry

Hey! Who keeps leaving the goddamn seat down?

Poovey

Dutch Dylan/Barry: Feels pretty good, huh, Dutch?
Dutch Dylan/Barry: Yes it does, other-Dutch. Yes it does.

(to his cat) If I wanted your asshole on my mouth, I'd do it while you were asleep!

Krieger

Cyril/Figgis: As the Lord our God Himself is my witness, upon the conclusion of my current business, I shall return to this place, and visit upon you an apocalypse of such terror and destruction that you will rue, RUE, the very fact of your miserable birth!!
Coroner: (munches on hot dog) I'll be here!

Archer: Lana! I mean, Ms. Kane.
Lana: Lana is fine.
Archer: I'll say.
Lana: You'll say what?
Archer: Uhhh, nothing?
Lana: Ahhh, a man of mystery.

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?