Edgar: You mean just ask [Dorothy] out?
Jimmy: No, get her hammered and finger-bang her in your car.

• Permalink: No, get her hammered and finger-bang her in your car.
• Added: October 14, 2015

Hm. Maybe I should be more direct. I mean with Lindsay, I got friend-zoned for life. One time she texted me, "Yo girl, wanna get brunch?"

Edgar

• Permalink: Hm. Maybe I should be more direct. I mean with Lindsay, I got friend-zoned for life. One time...
• Added: October 14, 2015

Jimmy: You just look a little tired.
Gretchen: [offended] Cool. Thanks. Your dick's a weird color. Catch up again tomorrow?

• Permalink: Cool. Thanks. Your dick's a weird color. Catch up again tomorrow?
• Added: October 14, 2015

Lindsay: [panicked] My toast is still bread, Paul. What's happening?
Paul: Have you been paying the utilities?
Lindsay: You need to come help me.
Paul: Why haven't you cashed any of the checks I've sent?
Lindsay: Cash a check? Who am I, Lee Iacocca?

• Permalink: Cash a check? Who am I, Lee Iacocca?
• Added: October 14, 2015

Edgar: Hey, um, so listen... I think you're funny and cute and I'd like to take you on a date with me for a date.
Dorothy: [amused] Is this a bit?
Edgar: I don't think so, but I'm still not 100% sure what a bit is.

• Permalink: I don't think so, but I'm still not 100% sure what a bit is.
• Added: October 14, 2015

Paul took care of all that garbage. And now I don't have power. I don't have hot water. I don't have TV. I'm like a frontierswoman. I'm like Reese Witherspoon in that commercial for backpacks.

Lindsay

• Permalink: Paul took care of all that garbage. And now I don't have power. I don't have hot water. I...
• Added: October 14, 2015

Jimmy: Gretchen keeps sneaking out in the middle of the night. Do you know where she's going?
Lindsay: Probably got a side bitch.

• Permalink: Probably got a side bitch.
• Added: October 14, 2015

For my birthday, they gave me a mug. It looked like it had a bunch of inkblots on it. Turns out they had gone to Color Me Mine, dipped their balls in paint and tea-bagged the mug a bunch of times.

Dorothy

• Permalink: For my birthday, they gave me a mug. It looked like it had a bunch of inkblots on it. Turns...
• Added: October 14, 2015

I am going to the bathroom. And when I get back, you're going to take me to a real bar and feed me cheap whisky until I forget about that time that I stopped being able to have sex with my boyfriend ever again because he took me to a bar that only served water!

Gretchen

• Permalink: I am going to the bathroom. And when I get back, you're going to take me to a real bar and...
• Added: October 14, 2015

Jimmy: Look, just tell me -- are you her side bitch?
Sam: What? Hell no! Bitch eats floor candy. Ain't seen a foreign film in a decade.
Jimmy: Do you know why she has a burner?
Sam: Oh, the God Phone? I gave her that because sleepy bitches don't deserve regular phones. She didn't tell you about my clever speech?

• Permalink: Oh, the God Phone? I gave her that because sleepy bitches don't deserve regular phones. She...
• Added: October 14, 2015

Lindsay: Wait! Vernon? Do you think I'm useless?
Vernon: You might not be useful in the tradish sense but you're a good friend and you make people happy.

• Permalink: You might not be useful in the tradish sense but you're a good friend and you make people...
• Added: October 14, 2015

Jimmy: So why'd you bring the phone?
Gretchen: Oh, I... I like to play Snake while I cry.
Jimmy: Ah. Well, that's a classic game, that.

• Permalink: Ah. Well, that's a classic game, that.
• Added: October 14, 2015