Ryan: She is frightening. I think it's because she looks so much like Christopher Walken.
Deb: It's uncanny.

Debbie: Did you forget something?
Ryan: Just my son.

Debbie: What can we do to bring you down to mildly panicked?
Ryan: Rub a little whiskey on my gums?

I'm not calling our kid Jacques. I can already hear the kids at school calling him Jacques Strap.

Ryan: The last three weeks are all about the baby putting on weight.
Jen: Eww. Yuck. Who wants a chubby baby?

Ryan: I wanna do whatever I can to help raise this baby. Our baby.
Jen: I'll have nannies for that kind of thing.

I got into a little tussle with this chili dog and I have to admit defeat.

Ryan: We're getting a little old for vomit and hangovers, aren't we?
Laurel: No, you're never too old for vomit and hangover.

Laurel: Don't get your panties in a bunch.
Ryan: My panties are very much bunched right now.

They used to call me "wake and bake."

Jen: I thought you said if I was honest with you, there was nothing I could do to scare you off.
Ryan: I was wrong.

Ryan: I would never cheat on you.
Jen: Honestly?
Ryan: Honestly.


Naomi: You stole me away from your roommate.
Jaime: At least that was based on something honest.

I don't care about penetrating PJ's compound.