Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Charlie and His Driver
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 21
"This Is Not Gonna End Well"
Original Air Date:

When Charlie loses his license, Jake becomes his driver; Alan plans on attending Chelsea's birthday party.

The Exes are Back!
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 21
"Gumby with a Pokey"
Original Air Date:

When Charlie smokes a little medicinal marijuana haunting visions of all his exes come back.

Alan and Lyndsay Pic
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 20
"I Called Him Magoo"
Original Air Date:

Alan tries to have a nice hotel getaway weekend with his girlfriend, Lyndsay; Charlie orders the girlfriend experience from a prostitute.

Jake and Eldritch
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 19
"Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave"
Original Air Date:

Alan is not a fan of Jake's new bad boy friend, but is definitely a fan of his hot mother; Charlie struggles to write a theme song.

Giving a Massage
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 18
"Ixnay on the Oggie Day"
Original Air Date:

Charlie runs into Chelsea's friend, Gail (Tricia Helfer); Alan starts doing in home care for an older red head (Frances Fisher).

Charlie Moustache Pic
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 17
"I Found Your Moustache"
Original Air Date:

Charlie and Alan run into Chelsea at the movie theater, prompting Chelsea to visit Charlie for a one night stand.

Chelsea Leaves
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 16
"Tinkle Like a Princess"
Original Air Date:

After Chelsea moves the rest of her things out of the house, Charlie goes on a bender that ends with him marrying another woman in Vegas.

Chelsea Returns
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 15
"Aye, Aye Captain"
Original Air Date:

Chelsea returns from her night with Brad and Charlie's jealousy sends her packing.

Alan Unleashes the Monster
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 14
"Crude and Uncalled For"
Original Air Date:

Alan gets arrested and Chelsea becomes friendly with his lawyer, Brad (Steven Eckholdt).

Charlie Gets a Colonoscopy
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 13
"Yay, No Polyps!"
Original Air Date:

Charlie ends up getting a colonoscopy to avoid seeing Chelsea's parents when they come to visit.

Charlie Talks to Jake
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 12
"Fat Jokes, Pie, & Celeste"
Original Air Date:

Charlie tries to talk to Jake as he misses Celeste; Alan and Herb bond over what they have in common.

Evelyn and Berta Talk to Marty
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 11
"Warning, it's Dirty"
Original Air Date:

Charlie helps teach Jake about infidelity while Celeste is out of town; Evelyn invites legendary tv producer Marty Pepper (Carl Reiner) to their Christmas dinner.

Charlie and Alan Dance
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 10
"That's Why They Call It Ball Room"
Original Air Date:

Charlie goes for ball room dancing with Chelsea and when he asks for a prenup discovers Chelsea has money to protect.

Charlie Fails to Please Chelsea
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 9
"Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair"
Original Air Date:

Charlie fails to please Chelsea in the bedroom and plans an elaborate night out to make up for it; Alan uses spray-on hair to prepare for an online date.

Charlie, Chelsea and Gail
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 8
"Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle."
Original Air Date:

Chelsea invites her beautiful college roommate, Gail (Tricia Helfer) to come stay in the house.

Charlie and Alan in Bed
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 7
"Untainted by Filth"
Original Air Date:

After Charlie sets a wedding date with Chelsea, he finds himself in a bed with Alan and a strange woman.

Alan Helps Chelsea
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 6
"Give Me Your Thumb"
Original Air Date:

When Alan suggests that Chelsea get a boob reduction to help with her back problems, Charlie kicks him out of the house.

Jake Drives the Men
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 5
"For the Sake of the Child"
Original Air Date:

When Jake is too embarrassed to stay with the boys, they attempt to work out their "relationship" problems.

Alan the Real Estate Agent
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 4
"Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator"
Original Air Date:

Alan begins working for Evelyn; Charlie tries to bring Chelsea and Jake closer

Alan and Lenore
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 3
"Mmm, fish. Yum."
Original Air Date:

Alan cares for Judith's new baby and her mother; Jake blackmails Charlie with a photo he wants kept private

Alan, Melissa, and Danny
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 2
"Whipped Unto the Third Generation"
Original Air Date:

Charlie's fiance, Chelsea, convinces him to let Alan's girlfriend, Melissa, to move in and the girls take over.

Charlie Helps Mia Sing
Watch Two and a Half Men Season 7 Episode 1
"818-jklpuzo"
Original Air Date:

After Charlie bumps into Mia at the cafe; he agrees to help her record an album with Chelsea's blessing. Alan, meanwhile, wants Melissa to move in.

Two and a Half Men Season 7 Quotes

Alan: You plan on kicking me out when mom dies?
Charlie: You plan on being here when mom dies?

Jake [about his sister]: So far she eats, she poops and she sleeps. I'm not impressed
Berta: Give her a bad hair cut and she'd be you
Jake: Excuse you, I paid $9 for this haircut
Berta: Sorry

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