Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 24
"Can You Feel My Finger?"
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A woman that Charlie had sex with thinks she's pregnant. After this close call, Charlie goes in to get a vasectomy.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 23
"Just Like Buffalo"
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Charlie sweet talks Judith's divorcee support-group to continue to let Alan have weekend custody of Jake and let him stay at Charlie's.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 22
"My Doctor has a Cow Puppet"
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Charlie attempts to cure Alan of his recent problem of sleep walking. Meanwhile, Jake goes to see his new therapist.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 21
"No Sniffing, No Wowing"
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Charlie jeopardizes Alan's divorce settlement when he sleeps with his beautiful attorney, Laura (guest star Heather Locklear).

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 20
"Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark"
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When Jake won't stop playing the guitar, Judith believes he's having a tough time adjusting to her and Alan's divorce. Judith wants to send Jake to a therapist to help him.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 19
"I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You"
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Judith's sister, Liz (Teri Hatcher) is in town and hits on Alan at Jake's birthday party. Evelyn chooses alcohol over birthday cake.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 18
"An Old Flame With a New Wick"
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Charlie is stunned to learn that his ex-girlfriend, Jill, is now a man, Bill (Chris O'Donnell) and dating his mother.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 17
"Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats"
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Charlie is offended when Alan names their cousins as Jake's guardians in case of Alan's death.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 16
"That Was Saliva, Alan"
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Frankie (Jenna Elfman) tells Charlie and Alan why she and her daughter are on the run. Meanwhile, Frankie's daughter has a crush on Jake.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 15
"Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick"
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Despite Alan's warning, Charlie falls for a crazy, beautiful woman, Franke (guest star Jenna Elfman).

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 14
"I Can't Afford Hyenas"
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Charlie's accountant, Stan, tries to explain to him why he's suddenly in financial trouble.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 13
"Sara Like Puny Alan"
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When Charle needs Alan for a double date with a pair of sisters, Charlie tries to desperately nurse a sick Alan back to health.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 12
"Camel Filters + Pheromones"
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When Berta brings her beautiful daughter Prudence (guest star Megan Fox) to work, Charlie and Alan are a little distracted by her.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 11
"Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor"
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While at the movies, Charlie and Alan run into Judith and her new boyfriend. When Jake thinks Judith is cooler, Alan tries to change his look and get back into the dating scene.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 10
"Merry Thanksgiving"
Original Air Date:

In an attempt to prove he's a family man, Charlie invites his latest girl, Lisa, over and hosts a Thanksgiving dinner.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 9
"Phase One, Complete"
Original Air Date:

Charlie wants to dump the latest girl he's been sleeping with, but Jake has grown close to her. Alan and Rose bond over a game of Scrabble.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 8
"Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful"
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Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith as they lead Jake and his classmates in school's annual music show.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 7
"If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake"
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Judith gets worried when Jake begins drawing sketches of a naked female friend of Charlie's that has been wandering around the house half naked.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 6
"Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?"
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Charlie and his mother, Evelyn, end up dating two people that are related.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 5
"The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump"
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Jake's soccer league leads to Alan and Charlie meeting some very sexy soccer moms.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 4
"If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap"
Original Air Date:

Alan is having troubles with Charlie's sarcastic maid, Berta. Charlie is trying to get Jake and Rose to listen to him.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 3
"Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell"
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Alan fears he's losing custody of his son Jake so he goes out drinking with his brother Charlie.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 2
"Big Flappy Bastards"
Original Air Date:

Charlie tries to learn how to be a parent with his nephew Jake around, while Alan tries to win back his ex-wife, Judith.

Watch Two and a Half Men Season 1 Episode 1
"Pilot"
Original Air Date:

Charlie's life is turned upside down when his brother, Alan, and nephew, Jake, move in with him into his Malibu Beach house.

Two and a Half Men Season 1 Quotes

Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch

Woman [to Charlie about Jake]: You guys are really great together.
Charlie: Thanks.
Woman: Your wife must be proud.
Charlie: Oh, no, I'm not married.
Woman: Too bad.
Charlie: Wow, you're even better than a dog

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