Evelyn: So, how is work? Charlie: Fine. Evelyn: Are you seeing anybody special? Charlie: Nope. Evelyn: Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in? You won't share. Charlie: You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me. Evelyn: Oh please... Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!
Alan: When was the last time you called mom just to see how she was doing? Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never. Alan: Why don't you start with that? Charlie: OK, fine. Alan: Remember her number? Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?