When Mr. Burns is caught illegally storing excess nuclear waste, he's forced to award the town $3 mllion. Traveling salesman, Lyle Lanley (Phil Hartman) convinces the town to spend the money on a monorail.
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and um Oh, wait a minute! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!
The Monorail Song Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it! (audience laughs) Homer: Heh heh! Mule. Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea. Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it! Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well, sir, there's nothing on earth Like a genuine, Bona fide, Electrified, Six-car Monorail! ... What'd I say? Ned Flanders: Monorail! Lyle Lanley: What's it called? Patty & Selma: Monorail! Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail! (crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically) Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud. Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud. Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend? Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend. Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs? Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs. Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil? Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level. Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can. Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear it's Springfield's only choice... Throw up your hands and raise your voice! All: Monorail! Lyle Lanley: What's it called? All: Monorail! Lyle Lanley: Once again... All: Monorail! Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken! Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken. All: Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! Homer: Mono... D'oh!