Xander: The mayor is gonna kill us all during graduation.
Cordelia: Oh. Are you gonna go to fifth period?
Xander: I'm thinking I might skip it.
Cordelia: Yeah. Me too.

Xander: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?
Cordelia: None of your business. Certainly, nowhere near you losers.
Buffy: Okay, you guys. Don't forget to breathe between insults.
Cordelia: I'm sorry, Buffy. This conversation is reserved for those who actually have a future.

Oz: [Thinking] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me, and she becomes me. I cease to exist.
[Oz speaks out loud]
Oz: Hmm.
Xander: [Thinking] What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me.
Buffy: God, Xander. Is that all you think about?
[Xander speaks out loud]
Xander: Actually... bye.
[He runs away]

Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Willow: Uh-huh.
Buffy: See? I told you. Old Reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Buffy: What?
Willow: Old Reliable? Yeah, great, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: Well, I didn't mean it as...
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm Old Reliable.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller!
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did yah?
Xander: Will, we saw you at The Bronze. A vampire.
Willow: I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: You are. I mean you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

Xander: Listen, do you guys need any help?
Giles: Hmm? Oh, no, no, thank you. Probably best if you stay out of trouble.
Xander: No chance of that.
Jack: Xander! Motor!
Giles: There's something different about this menace, something in the air. The stench of death.
Xander: Yeah, I think it's Bob.

Xander: Yeah, great knife. Although, I think, um, it may, technically, be a sword.
Jack: She's called Katie.
Xander: You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.

Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
Xander: I was just talking to... hey, mind your own business.
Cordelia: Oh, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.
Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do.
Cordelia: Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. “Cool.” Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia walks away]
Cordelia: There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Giles: There is a fringe theory held by a few folklorists that some regional stories have actual very literal antecedents.
Buffy: And in some language that's English?
Oz: Fairy tales are real.
Buffy: Hans and Gre- Hansel and Gretel?
Xander: Wait, Hansel and Gretel? Bread crumbs, ovens, gingerbread house?
Giles: Of course, it makes sense now.
Buffy: Yeah, it's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.
Giles: Some demons thrive by fostering hatred and, uh, persecution amongst the mortal animals. Not by destroying men but by watching men destroy each other. Now, they feed us our darkest fear and turn peaceful communities into vigilantes.
Buffy: Hansel and Gretel run home to tell everyone about the mean old witch.
Giles: And then she and, probably, dozens of others are persecuted by a righteous mob. It's happened all throughout history, happened in Salem, not surprisingly.

Willow: He wants me to do a love spell.
Xander: What?
Willow: Drusilla broke up with him.
Xander: Gee, and we had all hoped those crazy kids would make it work.

Xander: But, you know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake, but I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'.
Xander: And they burst in rescuing us without even knocking? I mean this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Giles: You must've known it was wrong, seeing Angel, or you wouldn't have hidden it from all of us.
Buffy: I was going to tell you. I was. It was just that I didn't know why he was back. I just wanted to wait.
Xander: For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a “happy?”
Buffy: I'm not going to... look... we're not together like that.
Oz: But you were kissing him.
Buffy: You were spying on me? What gives you the right?!
Cordelia: What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again?
Buffy: It was an accident.
Xander: What? You just tripped and fell on his lips?
Buffy: It was wrong, okay? I know that and I know that it can't happen again. But, you guys have to believe me, I would never put you in any danger. If I thought for a second that Angel was gonna hurt anyone...
Xander: You would stop him? Like you tried the last time when he took down Miss Calendar?

Nicholas Brendon Quotes

Xander: But, you know what really bugs me? Okay, we kissed. It was a mistake, but I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss.
Willow: Darn tootin'.
Xander: And they burst in rescuing us without even knocking? I mean this is really all their fault.
Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our earth logic.
Xander: Mine is much more advanced.

Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school?
[Xander, Buffy and Willow walk away]
Xander: Oh, yeah, that’s a plan. Because lots of schools are not hellmouths.
Willow: Maybe you can blow something up? They’re really strict about that.
Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach. You know, like excessive not studying.
[Giles touches his glasses]
Giles: The earth is doomed.