Xander: Any clue on what college you might be attending so we can start calculating minimum safe distance?
Cordelia: None of your business. Certainly, nowhere near you losers.
Buffy: Okay, you guys. Don't forget to breathe between insults.
Cordelia: I'm sorry, Buffy. This conversation is reserved for those who actually have a future.

Wesley: Does everybody know about you?
Buffy: She's a friend.
Cordelia: Let's not exaggerate.

Cordelia: It must be really hard when all your friends have, like, superpowers. Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires, and you're, like, this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
Xander: I was just talking to... hey, mind your own business.
Cordelia: Oh, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.
Xander: I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Cordelia: Oh, please.
Xander: I do.
Cordelia: Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. “Cool.” Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has, and you don't.
[Cordelia walks away]
Cordelia: There was no part of that that wasn't fun.

Giles: You have to listen to me. Because I've told you this, the test is invalidated. You will be safe now, I promise you. Now, whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik... and to win back your trust...
Buffy: You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me.
[Cordelia walks into the library]
Cordelia: What's going on? Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother.
Giles: You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe.
Buffy: I don't know you.
Cordelia: Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Gi-les. He hangs out here a lot.
Buffy: Cordelia, could you please drive me home?
Cordelia: Of course.
[Cordelia turns to Giles]
Cordelia: But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note.

Cordelia: You're going to be one busy little slayer, babysitting them.
Buffy: I doubt they'll have any more trouble.
Cordelia: Amy is a witch. And Michael is whatever the boy version of "witch" is, plus being the poster child for yuck.
Buffy: Cord...
Cordelia: I doubt your doubt. Everyone knows that witches killed those kids. And if you hang with them, expect badness, 'cause that's what you get when you hang with freaks and losers. Believe me, I know. That was a pointed comment about me hanging with you guys.

Giles: We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now, let's be clear, the brain damage happened before I hit you.

You know what I've been asking myself a lot this last week? Why me? Why do I get impaled? Why do I get bitten by snakes? Why do I fall for incredible losers? And, you know, I think I've finally figured it out. What my problem is. It's Buffy Summers.


Willow: We can work on it tonight.
Xander: Work on what tonight?
Cordelia: Oh God, are we killing something again?!Buffy: Only my carefree spirit.
Oz: Buffy has SAT prep.
Willow: Oz’s helping. He’s the highest-scoring person...
Cordelia: We know! We’ve already done the impressed thing.
Xander: I hate they make us take that thing. It’s totally fascist, and personally I think it discriminates against the uninformed.
Cordelia: Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests.
[They all look at her]
Cordelia: What? I can't have layers?

Buffy: You really love Xander?
Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet.

Cordelia: After all that we've been through tonight, this whole 'who-gets-to-be-Queen-capade' seems pretty...
Buffy: Damn important.
Cordelia: Oh, yeah.

Xander: Okay, let's not say something we'll, uh, regret later, okay?
Cordelia: You crazy freak.
Buffy: Vapid whore.
Xander: Like that.

Cordelia: Time out, Xander. Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute, OK? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault...
Buffy: Cordy! Get outta my shoes!
Cordelia: I’m just trying to help, Buffy.

Charisma Carpenter Quotes

Harmony: Okay, I think the program is done.
Cordelia: Finally the nightmare ends! So, how do we save it?
Willow: “Deliver.”
Cordelia: Deliver? Where’s that? Oh!
[The file deletes and Cordelia is shocked]

Cordelia: You'll be okay here. If you hang with me and mine, you'll be accepted in no time. Of course, we do have to test your coolness factor. You're from L.A., so you can skip the written. So let's see...vamp nail polish?
Buffy: Over?
Cordelia: So over. James Spader?
Buffy: He needs to call me!
Cordelia: Frappachinos?
Buffy: Trendy but tasty.
Cordelia: Josh Tesh.
Buffy: The devil.
Cordelia: That was pretty much a gimme, but you passed!