Gretchen: I'm scraped out. I'm... that car we sent to Mars, flipped upside down so the sun can't reach my solar panels. I've always been able to flip myself back over eventually but... I ran out of times. This is how I am now. And it's not okay with you. Nor should it be.
Jimmy: Okay. I suppose it's good that this happened now, instead of like... ten years down the line.
Gretchen: Yeah...
Jimmy: I'll be back in a couple of days.
Gretchen: I'll be out by the time you get back. Have fun. You deserve it. Whoever she is.

Gretchen: You stayed?
Jimmy: Yeah.
Gretchen [crying]: You stayed.

He still just thinks of me as a freeloading veteran with perfect features.

Edgar

My life flashed before my eyes. Dick. Following Smash Mouth around Europe. Negative after negative customer service interaction. Divorce. More dick. I realized I really need to get my shit together.

Lindsay

Edgar: Do you still like me?
Dorothy: Of course I do. So much that it sucks.

But you know, maybe I just make bad decisions. I mean, I bought a chocolate fountain! Who does that?

Dorothy

I am a one in a generation. A disruptor. You know how in that Charlie Chaplin movie there's this ho, walking and talking on a cell phone even though it's 1928? I'm that future-ass cell phone ho! Trace! I'm out here everyday changing the face of EVERYTHING. Music, art, amusement parks, farm-to-table, claymation, laser shows...

Sam

Gretchen: You need to stop. It's like you have amnesia. Every day you think things are going to be different and I'll just be happy. Well, maybe you can understand this: I feel nothing. About anything. Dogs, candy, old Blondie records, nachos, you, us, nothing. So for the last time... please GO.

Red licorice vodka? Were you expecting Chris Hansen?

Jimmy

Little pig boy pay for my Invisalign? Send money, loser!

Kasha

Jimmy: Look, the truth is... I have a girlfriend.
Nina: Who? Greasy hair queen of dragons?

Sam: Why would you let me do that show?
Gretchen: Because you wanted to! You said, and I quote, "Get your negligent ass down to Fire 103, we doin' a show."
Sam: My blood sugar was low, you're supposed to give me some goddamn almonds!

You're the Worst Quotes

Gretchen: Who knows their address?
Jimmy: People. Kidnapped children. This dog I saw on Dateline who rides the bus to the park.

Jimmy: Well you guys have very funny things in your vocabulary as well.
Gretchen: Oh yeah, like what?
Jimmy: "American exceptionalism."
Gretchen: Oh, former colony burn.