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Alan: Come on, Charlie. You gotta admit, you put out a special kind of vibe.
Charlie: You don't mean special. You mean special !
Alan: You're 40 years old, you've never been married, you play the piano, you are meticulous about your appearance...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I've got a riding crop in my bathroom that never touched a horse.
Alan: Your bathroom also has two kinds of skin moisturizer, various hair gels, colognes, powders, and emollients

Alan: All right, let's scoot away from the Clinique Counter for a minute and discuss some of the people you've attracted.
Charlie: Ok, ok, you're thinking about that time at the House of Blues, and there's no way I could have known that was a guy!
Alan: He was 6'2" and could palm a medicine ball.
Charlie: I was drunk. He was tucked, taped and gorgeous!

Berta: Hey, Alan, your mom called. She gave me the news.
Alan: Oh, God!
Berta: Come here. I'm proud of ya, Zippy! The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion

But, when it comes to penises, I'm pretty clear the only one I want winking at me is my own!


Dr. Freeman: Have you ever had sex with a man?
Charlie: No! No! Absolutely not! All right, I copped a feel once but I was drunk and he had breasts

My mom took my temperature the baby way until I was eight years old

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