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Alan: The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me.
Charlie: Really? Still?

Greg: So Charlie, I'm guessing by the stack of racing forms next to the can, you bet the ponies.
Charlie: Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get them organized

I just think variety is the spice of life. And as far as spices go, some people like salt, some people like pepper, some like salt and pepper. Me, I like women!


Alan: Greg knows I'm not gay.
Charlie: You sure? For 16 years he didn't know he was gay

Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, "don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack."

Greg: Did you do something different with your hair? It looks nice.
Charlie: Don't get me started

Greg: Charlie, you smoke cigars?
Charlie: I'd smoke rabbits if you could keep'em lit

Jake: You smell like strawberries.
Sophie: It's my lip gloss.
Jake: Does it taste like it smells?
Sophie: You wanna find out?
Jake: Sure!
[Sophie leans in to kiss Jake, Jake uses a finger to wipe her lip gloss off, then proceeds to eat it]
Jake: Mm

Charlie: I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter.
Alan: He's not my boyfriend. We're friends.
Charlie: Alan, when an intelligent, successful, attractive man wants to be friends with you, something is amiss

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