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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Greg knows I'm not gay.
Charlie: You sure? For 16 years he didn't know he was gay

Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, "don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack."

Greg: Did you do something different with your hair? It looks nice.
Charlie: Don't get me started

Greg: Charlie, you smoke cigars?
Charlie: I'd smoke rabbits if you could keep'em lit

Jake: You smell like strawberries.
Sophie: It's my lip gloss.
Jake: Does it taste like it smells?
Sophie: You wanna find out?
Jake: Sure!
[Sophie leans in to kiss Jake, Jake uses a finger to wipe her lip gloss off, then proceeds to eat it]
Jake: Mm

Charlie: I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter.
Alan: He's not my boyfriend. We're friends.
Charlie: Alan, when an intelligent, successful, attractive man wants to be friends with you, something is amiss

Alan: Come on, Charlie. You gotta admit, you put out a special kind of vibe.
Charlie: You don't mean special. You mean special !
Alan: You're 40 years old, you've never been married, you play the piano, you are meticulous about your appearance...
Charlie: Hey, hey, hey, hey! I've got a riding crop in my bathroom that never touched a horse.
Alan: Your bathroom also has two kinds of skin moisturizer, various hair gels, colognes, powders, and emollients

Alan: All right, let's scoot away from the Clinique Counter for a minute and discuss some of the people you've attracted.
Charlie: Ok, ok, you're thinking about that time at the House of Blues, and there's no way I could have known that was a guy!
Alan: He was 6'2" and could palm a medicine ball.
Charlie: I was drunk. He was tucked, taped and gorgeous!

Berta: Hey, Alan, your mom called. She gave me the news.
Alan: Oh, God!
Berta: Come here. I'm proud of ya, Zippy! The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion

But, when it comes to penises, I'm pretty clear the only one I want winking at me is my own!

Charlie

Dr. Freeman: Have you ever had sex with a man?
Charlie: No! No! Absolutely not! All right, I copped a feel once but I was drunk and he had breasts

My mom took my temperature the baby way until I was eight years old

Charlie
Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 24 in total

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Episode 21 Quotes

Dr. Freeman: Have you ever had sex with a man?
Charlie: No! No! Absolutely not! All right, I copped a feel once but I was drunk and he had breasts

My mom took my temperature the baby way until I was eight years old

Charlie
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