(To Charlie and Jake) Stop it, the both of you! There will be no puking. We are going to stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a little bit, and then I am going to fake a migraine.


Alan: I spent 12 years of my life watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.
Charlie: I'd go with the migraine.

Charlie: (Referring to Courtney) So Teddy, what's the deal? All this time you've been hiding this beautiful woman from us.
Teddy: Only from you, Charlie.

Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
Charlie: Name something else.

Well, Evelyn, you know what the say about assuming. When you assume, you're just a bitch.


Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that you were planning on using a fake migraine to get out early. So what did you do? Ooh, menstrual cramps. Yeah, I can't get away with that. Although sometimes I'll use irritable bowl syndrome.

Alan [on the phone with Courtney]

Charlie: (To Courtney) I guess I could come by and take a peek at it.
Berta: First a peek, then a poke.

Berta: Did Teddy tell you to stay away from his daughter, too?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, why would he?

Courtney: Right now it's all wet, soapy, just waiting for you.
Charlie: Are we still talking about a car?
Courtney: What do you think?
Charlie: I think I should probably get out before I set off the airbag.

Alan: How come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy.

Courtney: What do you have to lose?
Charlie: Well, there's my integrity, my self-respect, my relationship with your father.. give me the damn keys!

(To Charlie) But it always seems to work out that every time you get laid, I get screwed!


Two and a Half Men Season 5 Episode 9 Quotes

Charlie: So, where do they put the engine in these things?
Courtney: Where it belongs... in the rear.

Berta: Is your brother still in bed with his sister?
Alan: Step-sister... to be... and yes.