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Two-and-a-half-men

He's an alcoholic with a lot of money. There's nothing you can do about people like that. The best you can do is be nice to them so you can inherit their house when they crap out their liver.

Charlie

Eldridge: It was nice of him to bring beer.
Jake: He's a crazy bastard, but he's got good manners.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: I was fantasizing about other women.
Courtney: That doesn't necessarily mean it's over.
Charlie: I pretended you were the big blue chick from Avatar.
Courtney: It's over.

Courtney: I hope you don't mind i used your tooth brush
Charlie: Where'd you use it?
Courtney: No where your mouth hasn't been.

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