I know I said shampoo is not my thing, like I'm an anthropologist studying a bizarre alien race. But I have been working my ass off, all by myself and I still don't have a partner


Look Conner, I get it. Mini bars get emptied. You don't want to write "Crazy Girls Strip Club" on your expense reports, so you say you took a few taxis

HR Guy

Erin: I booked us a couple's massage later this afternoon?
Mason: A couple's massage?
Erin: It'll be fun.
Mason: No it won't. That's even less relaxing. Getting a rub down from another woman with you lying five feet away. And what if the masseuses are men? I don't want some guy touching you in front of me. See I'm already more stressed

A beautiful woman is waiting all alone in a hotel suite, probably wearing all of her sexiest lingerie. Somebody should go

Conner [to Mason about his wife]

Mason: I hate massages. They stress me out. I never know whether to leave my underwear on or take it off.
masseuse: Oh, you have to ask.
Conner: You have to ask.
Mason: Yeah, that's gonna help. Starting a conversation with a perfect stranger saying, "Should I get totally naked?" Not relaxing for me

Think about what you're saying. You have a family to support. I have.... I have the gibbons... at the Lincoln Park zoo


Mason: I need you to cover for me.
Sarah: No Mason. The answer is no. It is my birthday.
Mason: I thought your birthday was yesterday.
Sarah: I had to push it. It didn't happen last night, so it has to happen tonight. The way my birthday goes is the way my whole years goes. You're not asking me to ruin my whole year are you?

Conner: What do you think of this version?
Editor: It's perfect. It's fantastic. It's the "Citizen Kane" of cell phone ads.

Conner: Ditka won't do the stunt.
Mason: Why? He just has to catch somebody.
Conner: I know. It turns out Ditka is a delicate flower. He's had three hip replacements and he's got bad knees and anyway he's not doing the stunt.

Conner: We walk outta here like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Mason: They died in the end.
Conner: Everybody dies in the end. They became legends. Let's go save our jobs and be legendary.

Sarah: It's not a date. It's just two adults enjoying the night out together.
Conner: Isn't that the very definition of a date?

Conner: That wasn't about race.
Mason: What wasn't about race?
Conner: That was about cake. I love chocolate cake.
Mason: Everybody loves chocolate cake.
Conner: I also love vanilla cake. I love chocolate cake and vanilla - I don't want there being some kind of cake confusion being the last thing he remembers. You know, on the day he gets fired.

Trust Me Quotes

Conner: You need to get this boat.
Mason: I can't afford it.
Conner: Be a good American and finance it.

You've been carrying me? I've been carrying you so long I have scoliosis

Mason [to Conner]