Bart: I didn't know you knew Luke Perry.
Krusty: Know him? He's my worthless half-brother.
Lisa: He's a big TV star.
Krusty: Yeah, on Fox. (Sticks out tounge)

Rainier: My son returns from a fancy east coast college and I'm horrified to find he's a nerd.
Kent: Haha, I'm laughing already.
Rainier: It's not a comedy.

Krusty: Now boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?
Anthony: Forget you, clown.
Chad: Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.
Krusty: Well okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya."
Flea: Wow. That's much better.
Arik: Everyone can enjoy that.

Krusty: Here's the deal. Every time you watch my show, I will send you... forty dollars!
Voice: Checks will not be honored.

Don't snap my undies.

Chief Wiggum

Old Jewish Man: Old gray mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be.
Announcer: And now, the old man dancers!
Old Men: Old gray mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be.

Krusty: Ugh, 35 years in show business and already no one remembers me, just like what's-his-name and whose-it, and you know that guy, always wore a shirt?
Bart: Ed Sullivan?

Bette Midler: Great show Krusty! You deserve an Emmy for this!
Krusty: Forget it. The academy hates me...I don't know why...they wouldn't know comedy if it bit them on their (notices the camera) Hey! Hey!

Here's your taco mister. Oops, I dropped it in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow. Oooow! Ooow! Oow!

Squeeky-Voiced Teen

Gabbo: (prank calls Krusty the Clown)
Krusty: If this is anyone other than Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit!

Bart: Moe, look over there! (as a distraction)
Moe: What? What am I looking at? I don't see nothing. I'm gonna stop looking soon What? What, is that it?
Homer walks into Moe's Tavern
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look, too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car.
Homer runs out
Moe: He is so stupid. And now back to the wall.

I'll admit I used the city treasury to fund the murder of my enemies, but as Gabbo would say, I'm a bad wittle boy.

Mayor Quimby

The Simpsons Season 4 Quotes

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and um Oh, wait a minute! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman!


The Monorail Song
Lyle Lanley: Y'know, a town with money is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it!
(audience laughs)
Homer: Heh heh! Mule.
Lyle Lanley: The name's Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
Mayor Quimby: Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville! Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
Lyle Lanley: All right, I tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea! I give you the Springfield Monorail! (audience gasps) I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrooke, and by gum, it put them on the map!
Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Monorail! ...
What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
Patty & Selma: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: That's right! Monorail!
(crowd chants "Monorail" softly and rhythmically)
Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
Lyle Lanley: You'll all be given cushy jobs.
Grampa: Were you sent here by the devil?
Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley: Once again...
All: Monorail!
Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.
All: Monorail!
Homer: Mono... D'oh!