Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX
The-simpsons

TV - Coach: You want some of this don't you?
Homer: Yeah!
TV - Coach: Well, you need to know the winner, and I know the winner! So call me nowwhoah. (speaking faster) Five dollars for the first minute, two dollars for each additional minute!
(Homer calls)
Phone Message: You.... have reached... the... coaches... hot...
Homer: Line...
Phone Message: Line...
Homer: Yeah, lay it on me, coach!
Phone Message: In the game of.... Mi..am..i..
Homer: Mmmhmm.
Phone Message: Versus Cin..
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: Cin...
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: nat..
Homer: Cincinnati...
Phone Message: ti...
Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money!!
Phone Message: We must consider... many... things.... The wind...
Homer: D'oh, not the wind!
Phone Message: Is blowing out of the....west.
Homer: Oow...
Phone Message: At five...
Homer: Miles per hour!!!
Phone Message: miles...
Homer: D'oh, this is ridiculous!

Uh, mom, could you loosen my blanket a little? Dad tucked me in too tight and it's cutting off the circulation in my arms and legs.

Lisa

Marge: Well, do you ever take an interest in anything he does?
Lisa: Well, we used to have burping contests but I outgrew it.

Listen mister, I've been gambling since I was eight and I've been hocking jewelry since I was twelve!

Adult Lisa

Homer: Boy, I know you're gonna like your present.
Bart's Present: Shuddup, shuddup, kiss my butt, shuddup, go to hell, go to hell!
Bart: Dad, I promise I'll never get tired of this.

Lisa: Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my 5 star silver bullet special. And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys, plus 5 in Chicago.
Homer: Good, Good. You Call Moe.
Lisa: (Dials phone) Hello, Moe? It's L.S. calling for H.S--
Moe: Just give me the numbers Lisa.

Lisa: Dad, you must have bought me every Malibu Stacy accessory there is!
Homer: Not quite. They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers.

Waiter: Hello, I'm Marco, and I'll be your waiter.
Homer: Hello, I'm Homer and I'll be your customer!
Waiter: Hmmhaven't heard that one before.

"Smooth" Jimmy Apollo: Well, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% of the time.
Homer: (yelling at the television set) Why didn't you say that before?!

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