The Simpsons Season 1 Quotes
Mr. Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!
Homer: What do you mean, sir?
Mr. Burns: I mean this! (holds up the picture of Homer with belly dancer)
Mr. Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. (wrinkles up the picture into a ball) I will not have you offending my customers with your bawdy shenanigans!
Homer: It won't happen again, sir, I promise! Can I get outta' your sight now?
Mr. Burns: Wait a minute, Simpson! Smithers, could you please leave the room?
Smithers: Yes, sir.
Mr. Burns: (sadly) Simpson... I am, by most measures, a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women. A certain, how should I put it?... "Animal magnÃ©tisme". (begging) Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret.
Homer: Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy.
Mr. Burns: (pleasantly) Simpson, I'm asking you nicely.
Homer: I don't really know, sir--
Mr. Burns: (angrily) Simpson!
Homer: (scared) Well, oh, wine 'em! Dine 'em. Bring them flowers. Write them love poetry... sir.
Mr. Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this, Simpson. (angrily) Now return to your work! And tell no one of what transpired here.
- Permalink: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?! What ...
Lisa: Bart, I read about what happens to kids whose parents no longer love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages. Right now, I'm in Stage three, fear. You're in Stage two, denial.
Bart: No, I'm not.
Lisa: Yes, you are!
Bart: No, I'm not!
Lisa: Yes, you are!
Bart: I'm not! I'm not! Am not!
Lisa: I stand corrected.
- Permalink: Bart, I read about what happens to kids whose parents no longer ...
Bart: Look, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some advice that might help.
Homer: I gave you advice? Get outta here.
Bart: Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you and you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth shut. At least that way, you won't make things worse.
Homer: Hmm. Good advice.
- Permalink: Look, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me so...
(At Marge's birthday party, Patty and Selma comment on Homer.)
Patty: Look at him wolf down that gristle.
Selma: Mm-hmm. It's an accident waiting to happen.
Patty: Do you know the Heimlich maneuver?
- Permalink: (At Marge's birthday party, Patty and Selma comment on Homer.) ...
Helen: Marge? Marge Simpson. You remember me, don't you? I'm Helen Lovejoy, the gossipy wife of the minister.
Marge: Oh, yes. Hello, Helen.
Helen: Well, I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when I looked over this way and said to myself, "Why, isn't that Marge Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband?" (Chuckles) And I just had to come over and say hello.
Marge: We're, um--
Helen: Oh, don't squirm on my account.
- Permalink: Marge? Marge Simpson. You remember me, don't you? I'm Helen Love...
Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.
Marge: Hmm. No. No, thank you, Mr., um, (Looks at Jacques' bowling ball.) Brunswick.
Jacques: Call me Jacques.
Marge: Hmm. I'll just use my ball.
Jacques: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this Homer of yours.
- Permalink: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapere...
Homer: Marge, may I speak to you?
Homer: You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You just got a gift, I guess. I've always thought so. I just never mentioned it, but it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in keeping feelings bottled up. (Silent pause) Good-bye, my wife.
- Permalink: Marge, may I speak to you? Sure. You know, I've been thinkin...
Lenny: Hey, way to go, Homer. Way to go!
Co-worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
- Permalink: Hey, way to go, Homer. Way to go! Hey, what'll I tell the boss...
Homer: Now this is living, eh, kids? Hot pizza--the food of kings!
Lisa: Don't be scared, Dad. It's not so hard takin' care of us.
Homer: (Laughs) Lisa, I'm not scared. I think it's a great chance to spend some time with you kids. Your mother always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn.
(Everyone silently eats some pizza.)
Homer: Does the time always drag like this?
- Permalink: Now this is living, eh, kids? Hot pizza--the food of kings! Do...