Sundays 8:00 PM on FOX

Campaign Manager: Congratulations, Mr. Burns. The latest polls show you're up six points.
Mr. Burns: Ah, giving me a total of?
Campaign Manager: Six. But we're on our way!

(Grampa Simpson and Jasper watch TV.)
TV Announcer: Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon. Please stay tuned for paid political announcement brought to you by the friends of Montgomery Burns.
Grampa: Burns? Change the channel.
Jasper: You change it!
Grampa: No, you change it.
Jasper: I changed it last week!
Grampa: Fine. Be a jerk. Then we'll just sit here and watch it.

(In Mr. Burns' office, the Government Inspector gives Mr. Burns his report.)
Government Inspector: Mr. Burns, in 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--
Mr. Burns: Oh look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers exit for a moment and then return to the office.)
Mr. Burns: Doh! Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.

(After dinner at the Simpsons goes badly and costs Mr.Burns the election, he and Smithers head home.)
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

(In a publicity stunt, Mr. Burns is a dinner guest at the Simpson home.)
Homer: Bart, would you like to say grace?
Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
(Everyone gasps.)
Mr. Burns: (Chuckles) Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.
(Everyone sighs.)

(A stranger happens upon Bart and Lisa as they fish in a pond.)
Dave Shutton: Ah. So, kids, caught anything?
Lisa: Not yet, sir.
Dave Shutton: Uh-huh. Uh, what are you using for bait?
Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
Dave Shutton: I see. And, uh, what's your name, son?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Dave Shutton: (Chuckles) I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.
Bart: Well, this is my day and we do, sir.

(With Homer in his car, Mr. Burns suddenly decides to run for governor.)
Homer: Where are we going, sir?
Mr. Burns: To create a new and better world!
Homer: If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?

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