The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 1 Episode 1: "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire" Quotes
(Homer brings home Santa's Little Helper.)
Marge: Oh, this is the best gift of all, Homer!
Homer: It is?
Marge: Yes. Something to share our love and frighten prowlers.
Lisa: What's his name?
Homer: Number 8--Uh, I mean Santa's Little Helper.
Milhouse: Get a load of that quote-unquote Santa.
Lewis: I can't believe those kids are falling for it.
Bart: Hey, Milhouse, I dare you to sit on his lap.
Milhouse: Oh, yeah. Well I dare you to yank his beard off.
Bart: Ah, touché.
Barney: I got me a part time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Homer: Wow, can I do that?
Barney: I dunno, they're pretty selective. (Barney belches loudly)
Patty: It's almost nine o'clock.
Selma: Where is Homer anyway?
Patty: It's so typical of the big doofus to spoil it all.
Lisa: What Aunt Patty?
Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
Patty: Hello, Marge. It's Patty. Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas Eve.
Marge: Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too.
(Homer makes a gagging noise.)
Patty: Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. Of all the men you could've married, I don't know why you picked one who is always so rude to us.
Bart: Ah, come on, Dad. This can be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us!
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
Little Girl: I hope you feel better, Santa.
Homer: Oh, I will when Mrs. Claus' sisters get outta town. Thanks for listenin', kid.
(At Santa training class, Homer tries to recall all the names of Santa's reindeer.)
Homer: Um, Dasher. Dancer.
Instructor: Mm-hmm.
Homer: Prancer.
Instructor: Mm-hmm.
Homer: Nixon. Comet...Cupid. Donna Dixon?
Instructor: Sit down, Simpson.
Homer: Bart, did you hear that? What a name! "Santa's Little Helper." It's a sign. It's an omen.
Bart: It's a coincidence, dad.
Ah, the fourth grade will now favor us with a melody...err...medley of holiday flavorites.
Principal Skinner
Principal Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: How many grades does this school have!?
