The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXThe Simpsons Season 2 Episode 22: "Blood Feud" Quotes
Homer: Bart, you keep an eye out for the mailman. Just give me some kind of signal.
Bart: Dad, the mailman's here.
Homer: That's a good one. We'll use that.
(A postwoman appears behind Homer)
Bart: No! I mean the mailman's here.
(Homer screams)
Postwoman: Dear God! Are you planning to water the mail?
Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and you know my name and address and everything, huh?
Postwoman: That's right.
Homer: Well... I'm still going to run.
(Homer runs away)
(Bart prank calls Moe's Tavern.)
Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check. (Calls out) Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
(Everyone snickers)
Moe: (to Bart) Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going to catch you and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick.
Mr. Burns: (reading Homer's letter) "Dear Mr. Burns. I'm so glad you enjoyed my son's blood, and your card was just great." Why Simpson, you've made my day, you're a true gentlemen.
Homer: Well I-
Mr. Burns: Hello, there's more. (continues reading) "In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. You stink! You are a senile bucktoothed old mummy with bony girl arms and you smell like an elephant's butt!"
(to Marge) Okay, here's the plan! You can move in with your sisters, and raise the kids, and I'll...die in a gutter!
Homer
So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo! You know the kind of letters people write. Dear somebody you never heard of, how was so and so, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, yours truly, some bozo, big loss!
</i> Homer
(Homer is searching for the letter he wrote to Mr. Burns.)
Homer: Where did you see it last?
Bart: The last place I saw it...was in my hand...as I was shoving it into...the mailbox!
Homer: D'oh!
Okay, there's no check, just a card, but don't panic, I'm sure it tells us what we're getting and where we can pick it up. "Dear Bart, thank you kindly for the blood. Yours truly, Montgomery Burns." D'oh! It's just a card!
Homer
Burns: Top of the morning to ye Why look who's here it's good ole' you!
Worker: Hi, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Hey there Mr d'uh Brown Shoes! How bout that local sports team eh?
Carl: I'd give him my blood, except for one thing
Lenny: What's that?
Carl: I don't wanna.
Homer: I can't believe you guys, there's a human being out there, with millions of dollars who needs our help, and you don't wanna cash in? That's why you losers are stuck in this crumby dead-end job!
Carl: You know Homer I am your supervisor
Homer: Sorry sir.
(Homer tries to retrieve the angry letter that Bart accidentally put in the mail.)
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
P.O. Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
Homer: I...don't know.
Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion?
Bart: Is it a Bible story?
Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough! So they got Hercules, and Hercules used his mighty strength, and...bingo! Anyway, the moral is, the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big...thing...of riches.
Bart: How did a lion get rich?
Homer: It was the olden days!
