Oscar: Wait is this all part of your master plan?
Gabby: What do you mean?
Oscar: We get back together, you divorce me, and you get half of the half I have left?

Felix: Okay here's something. One plane ticket to Beijing.
Oscar: Oh right, this one wanted to see China when we have a perfectly good Chinatown right here in New York.
Gabby: Oh I'm sorry, this one wanted to expand her horizons. You won't even go to Chinatown.
Oscar: They deliver.

Gabby: Hey Teddy you look great.
Teddy: Tell Diane that, she keeps leaving gym memberships under my pillow.

Oscar: Hey Gab, so where are we on the hugging situation?
Gabby: Well, since I want to murder you right now, the thought of touching you makes me sick.
Oscar: Wow it's like you never left.

Chris Webber: Why is the little guy so troubled?
Dani: He's cranky, he needs a nap.

Felix: I was trying to be a good friend.
Oscar: If you were a good friend you would have been honest with me.
Felix: Fine, Paolo was a 28 year old Brazilian gymnast with family money.
Oscar: Not that honest.

Felix: What else did I do? Was I also brushing my teeth for hours because the battery was totally run down?
Oscar: Yes, yes you were.

Emily: Oh hey Oscar, did I wake you?
Oscar: No, I'm always up at this hour to milk the cows, make sure Ma is warming the griddle.

Murph, lift with your legs or you could literally burst your balls.


Murph, you probably hear this all the time, but carry me to the bedroom!


Oscar: And you're welcome to play on my softball team any time, you're quite a bunter.
Felix: Since we're being honest, I did not know what bunting was, I was swinging as hard as I could.

Oscar: I didn't just win, I beat you like a dirty rug.
Felix: Okay except nobody cleans rugs like that anymore because we don't live on the Waltons.

The Odd Couple Quotes

Casey: Let me guess, another neighbor with your mail?
Oscar: No, you are the only woman in the building I'm stalking, I promise.

Oscar: Hot Casey from downstairs might be stopping by.
Dani: So you've moved from flirting in the elevator to an actual date?
Oscar: Sort of, I sneak some of my mail into her mailbox to force her to come by the apartment.
Dani: Aw, all the great romances start with the words "sneak" and "forced."