The Magicians Season 5 Episode 5: "Apocalypse? Now?!" Quotes
Julia: Good, well I hope you have some ideas because we’re striking out.
Zelda: I do; consult the luna-tics.
Julia: The luna-tics?
Zelda: Short for lunar fanatics. In the Middle Ages, people thought insanity was caused by changing phases in the moon. In fact, it was often a lunatic in the throes of worship. They claim to be able to achieve a magical connection with the moon and even under some circumstances move it.
Kady: Hmm, that sounds useful.
Julia: Well, if it’s just branding it means they’re not really crazy, right?
Alice: My dad always said they were bat-shit insane, and he married my mom, so he had a pretty high bar for mental instability.
Luna-tic: What people don’t understand is there is a skeleton of the universe, but we are the bones.
Alice: That’s good to know.
Luna-tic: I am humorous. You, patella.
Margo: I’ve been on the inside, and I’m telling you, it’s a god damn goose-stepping, fairy snatching, ethnic cleansing Gestapo.
Eliot: To be fair, the ethnic cleansing happened after the Dark King left, so…
Margo: He’s innocent because delegates?
Eliot: No, that’s not what I’m saying. Someone in this castle ordered the hunt on that fairy. It could have been the Dark King, but if it was someone else, killing Seb might just make things worse. So we have to find out who before we coup.
Margo: I just want to stab someone.
Eliot: I haven’t heard you this bloodthirsty in, well not that long.
Josh: You’re busy? I just got promoted to head chef.
Eliot: Oh, congratulations.
Josh: Thank you, but I’m about to bail on a state dinner and leave it to my incompetent sous chef because…
Bunny 1: Apocalypse now.
Eliot: Josh, would you just give it up? He keeps trying to get us join his film club, which I told him would never work on a planet with no electricity or taste.
Josh: Uh no, sorry, this one’s just a little shy. It’s OK buddy.
Bunny 2: Help us stop the…
Bunny 1: Apocalypse now.
Fen: You want me to what?
Eliot: Just find out who in the castle hates fairies, OK, and what they’re doing to them, and why fairies in the first place. And maybe talk to some fairies; get their side of things.
Eliot: And while you’re at it, anything else that seems important.
Fen: OK, that seems like a lot of open-ended questions. I got this maid job to be close to you guys, and now you’re deserting me? I want to stop an apocalypse too.
Eliot: Every apocalypse stopping mission needs a maid on the outside. It’s a key staple in earth movies.
Fen: Do you mean ‘Inside Man,’ because that’s more of a heist movie thing.
Eliot: No, that’s different. Everybody knows the secret sexy maid on the outside trope.
Eliot: Josh has a film club. You should check it out.
Josh: OK, you guys go do that. I’m going to go get some stay awake supplies. I have a muffin recipe with a special ingredient that’s guaranteed to keep us alert for five days.
Margo: What is it -- meth?
Josh: Oh excuse you. It is an organic, locally sourced, natural stimulant that got me through every finals week, and it is definitely not meth.
Eliot: That is exactly what I would say if I was trying to get us to take meth.
Julia: Look guys, if you’re looking for some sort of inspiration speech on why you should stay and fight, I can’t help. It’s gonna suck, and even if we do succeed -- which we might not -- it’s not like we’re gonna get any credit. The world ends, I end with it, knowing that I did everything I could because I won’t be able to live with myself otherwise.
Eliot: Julia’s right. She really does suck at inspirational speeches, but also that we should save the world.
Eliot: What a cozy little nightmare?
Julia: I may need you to punch me to stay awake.
Eliot: Got you.
Julia: Here’s the deal: When the sister was in me, I remember everything, every bloody second of it. And usually, I’m good at pushing it away, but right now, it is like a constant slideshow in the background. Not fun. El, the monster was in you for months.
Eliot: Well, it was different. People have different experiences. All that time was just one big nap to me, which sounds so good right now.
Julia: I don’t know why you’re lying to me or anyone.
Eliot: I don’t know why you’re accusing me of lying.
Julia: OK, neither of us have the bandwidth for this right now, and I don’t trust you. I don’t. But if you ever do decide to talk, open door.
Natasha: Who the hell are you?
Julia: We’re looking for Mayakovsky.
Natasha: Old, drunk, megalomaniac, fondness for knit caps? Yeah, I’m his daughter.
Alice: Oh, I didn’t realize he …
Natasha: Fucked my mother? Neither did he. Should have seen his face when I came knocking.
Kady: Sometimes I forget you’re a master fucking magician.
Zelda: I try to keep the showboating to a minimum.
Margo: You’re not right El, and we both know why.
Eliot: My crippling fear of / attraction to authority?
Margo: Are you being honest with me?
Eliot: Bambi, always.
Margo: I don’t care if you’ve been keeping it from me, but all our asses are on the line now.
Eliot: Margo, do not worry about me. I know I’ve been a little bit off; blame it on the moonbrain. I promise I’m fine.