Eleanor: So you can’t even lie to demons? They’re trying to torture us, man! We’re behind enemy lines!
Chidi: Well, principles aren’t principles when you pick and choose when you’re gonna follow them!

Michael: It's a torture museum: famous examples of bad behavior and explanations of the torture they earned.
Jason: Is there a gift shop?
Michael: Jason, this is hell. Of course there’s a gift shop.

Michael: See, the Trolley Problem forces you to choose between two versions of letting other people die, and the actual solution is very simple: sacrifice yourself.

Chidi: I don’t think I can change what I believe just like that.
Eleanor: And I didn’t think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal hell lecturing my teacher/ex-lover about moral particularism, but life throws you curveballs, bro! And need I remind you, it was doing things your way that made you end up here.

Michael: All I really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we’re going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

This wasn’t torture! I was stalling so I could keep searching for a way in. I would’ve been happy if you were to live in this neighborhood forever, but then Shawn came and just ruined the whole thing!

Michael

Do you remember that version of me from the tape of us at Mindy’s? Where I was vulnerable and emotional and honest? That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one, and that is not an easy thing for me to say.

Eleanor

I propose that everyone who’s green go ahead and board the magic balloon and set out to the Good Place, sort of like an advance team—we’ll put our names in, or book a table, however it works. And then we’ll send back the magic balloon for the red light people later on. It’s a perfect plan.

Tahani

Michael: You humans have so many emotions! You only need two: anger and confusion!

Eleanor: Kierkegaard, baby! Leap of faith.
Michael: It’s better translated as a “leap into faith.”
Chidi: You remembered! [Michael and Chidi fistbump]

Jason: I vote we...
Tahani: No, sorry, and no offense Jason, but the stakes here are too high to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.

Tahani: Wait, how did you escape detection, though?
Michael: Well, I’m not ethically proud of this, but I framed Vicky.

The Good Place Quotes

Michael: All I really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we’re going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

Jason: Yo, yo! Homies, check it! There's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL RedZone channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but I think we're in the bad place.
Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.