I’m used to not getting things I deserve but this is the first time I’ve had something and you’ve taken it away.


Jackie: What are you doing here?
Bev: I had to see the drain my money went down.

Okay, Grandma Bev’s flight landed two hours ago. We can’t just wish this away, someone’s got to go get her.


Harris: In honor of my new job and my 30% discount, I say we all get a family tattoo.
Dan: Yes! Something that represents who we are. Something that says Conner.
Jackie: Here’s a sinking ship. It doesn’t get more Conner than that.
Darlene: A house on fire seems appropriate.
Becky: A mushroom cloud kind of says us.

Darlene: I’m on my own too. David lives like five minutes away and I’m still dealing with Harris’ problems by myself. How did we both wind up raising kids alone?
Becky: I’m an alcoholic and you married a loser.

Becky: They think I’m trapping him with my sex tricks.
Darlene: You’ve got tricks? Why aren’t we talking about that?

It turns out nobody likes a teething, screaming baby at a restaurant.


Nobody learns from their successes. You only learn from failure so when you pull yourself out of this dark pit of despair you’re going to be so much smarter. I mean if, because some people don’t make it.


The kid had a tough break but she’ll bounce back. None of us ever have but I’ve seen it happen in other families, mostly on TV.


I wanted a nice, old-fashioned threesome and you had to go make it weird.


Tonight’s the night with Ron and Janelle. I shaved my entire body. I don’t know who’s going where so I cleared the decks.


What the hell happened to your face?


The Conners Quotes

Mark: It's been three weeks since Grannie Rosie's funeral, why are people still giving us casseroles?
Harris: And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies?

Jackie: What was this, tuna casserole or potato salad?
Darlene: It doesn't matter. It's just stuff and mayonnaise.