I’m used to not getting things I deserve but this is the first time I’ve had something and you’ve taken it away.

Mark

Jackie: What are you doing here?
Bev: I had to see the drain my money went down.

Okay, Grandma Bev’s flight landed two hours ago. We can’t just wish this away, someone’s got to go get her.

Darlene

Harris: In honor of my new job and my 30% discount, I say we all get a family tattoo.
Dan: Yes! Something that represents who we are. Something that says Conner.
Jackie: Here’s a sinking ship. It doesn’t get more Conner than that.
Darlene: A house on fire seems appropriate.
Becky: A mushroom cloud kind of says us.

Darlene: I’m on my own too. David lives like five minutes away and I’m still dealing with Harris’ problems by myself. How did we both wind up raising kids alone?
Becky: I’m an alcoholic and you married a loser.

Becky: They think I’m trapping him with my sex tricks.
Darlene: You’ve got tricks? Why aren’t we talking about that?

It turns out nobody likes a teething, screaming baby at a restaurant.

Jackie

Nobody learns from their successes. You only learn from failure so when you pull yourself out of this dark pit of despair you’re going to be so much smarter. I mean if, because some people don’t make it.

Jackie

The kid had a tough break but she’ll bounce back. None of us ever have but I’ve seen it happen in other families, mostly on TV.

Dan

I wanted a nice, old-fashioned threesome and you had to go make it weird.

Jackie

Tonight’s the night with Ron and Janelle. I shaved my entire body. I don’t know who’s going where so I cleared the decks.

Jackie

What the hell happened to your face?

Darlene

The Conners Quotes

Mark: It's been three weeks since Grannie Rosie's funeral, why are people still giving us casseroles?
Harris: And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies?

Jackie: What was this, tuna casserole or potato salad?
Darlene: It doesn't matter. It's just stuff and mayonnaise.