Hey Rom-Com, I hear you rode all the way to Springfield to tell Louise you couldn’t live without her. Did you catch her at the airport before she flew to Paris to marry the wrong guy?


This is why we’re not getting pregnant, because your sperm is too stupid to find my egg.


It’s a good thing I got some sleep because if I hadn’t I’d knock your tiny ass across the room.


Talk to me. I want to understand why you think I want giant babies with Becky. I want tiny, psychotic babies with you.


Waitress: Maybe you should call your wife so she can pick you up.
Dan: I’m just staying at the hotel next door and my wife’s dead.
Waitress: You didn’t kill her, did you?
Dan: No.
Waitress: I’m sorry. We’re right off the expressway, we’ve got to ask.

Harris: Your old people sex is destroying the Earth.
Ben: We’re not going to be here that long so we don’t care.

I just want a shower. I just want my hair to smell like pretty apples again.


Jackie: We’re all looking for the same thing. Somebody who doesn’t play games. Somebody who’s emotionally available and most especially, somebody who doesn’t wear a wedding ring.
Dan: I don’t know if I can do that.
Jackie: Dan, taking off the ring, it’s not going to erase all the wonderful memories that you had with Roseanne. Your age and drinking history is going to do that.

Darlene: I’m thinking of settling the score with Grandma Bev.
Jackie: I’m in. I’ll get the shovel.
Darlene: I still have her power of attorney until Monday morning so I’m going to pull $5,000 out of this account and give it to Harris. All I need to do is click this button. Am I doing the right thing?
Becky: Absolutely not. There’s no reason to stop at $5,000. Clean her out!

It’s so easy to be taken in by you when you’re not wearing your Dalmatian puppy coat.


Bev: Why is my bag sitting on the porch?
Darlene: It wouldn’t fit in the fireplace.

Becky: You know you’ve been out here working on that bike since 1988. Is it ever going to be done?
Dan: It’s not about finishing It’s about the zen of oh, how should I put this? Not talking to you guys.

The Conners Quotes

Mark: It's been three weeks since Grannie Rosie's funeral, why are people still giving us casseroles?
Harris: And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies?

Jackie: What was this, tuna casserole or potato salad?
Darlene: It doesn't matter. It's just stuff and mayonnaise.