I honestly want to get laid this Thanksgiving. I'm touching my wife under the table right now.

Paul

I'm fat and you're gay so we're supposed to get along.

Andrea

It's always best to start with sweet and save hoochie for desert.

Cathy

Lee: You're actually my type, Paul.
Paul: Well I'm glad this didn't just get awkward.

Soulmate. Not only is it a cliche, it's the reasons millions of women are sitting at home and single.

Cathy

We're not soulmates. We're mole mates.

Lee

My family is blunt, tense and can't relax for shit.

Cathy

You have cancer and that pretty much trumps everything all the time!

Paul

The next time you fire someone on Halloween, you might wanna take off your pointy fucking ears first.

Paul
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