Leonard: Hang on. Why do we have to hate it?
Penny: Three words. Dr. Who Convention.

Penny: Oh, I know. We could go horseback riding.
Amy: Actually I can't. My hips don't open wider than 22 degrees. I rode a very thin pony once. On the first bump I just pssshh, popped right off.

Howard: Why do you keep assuming it was me?
Leonard: Because you do this kind of thing all the time, and then you try to cover it up.
Howard: Like when?
Leonard: What about when you flipped the Mars Rover, or lost Koothrappali's dog, or almost drove off with that baby?
Howard: Again, it looked like my car, and the baby didn't even cry until his mother punched me with her keys.

Amy: Well, you got me something. Here.
Sheldon: Cookies?
Amy: They're your Meemaw's Christmas cookies. I called and got
the recipe.
Sheldon: They're perfect. It tastes like her hugs.
Amy: Merry Christmas, Sheldon.
Sheldon: I can't believe this. You're happy, I'm happy. Well, maybe a holiday that's all about giving isn't so...Get your hand out of that box!

If you pop him, I will vomit.

Raj

Santa: All right, let me see if I've got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?
Sheldon: Correct.
Santa: Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough.
Sheldon: There's an argument for that.

Bernadette: Wow, you really do love her.
Sheldon: I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.

Howard: Well, if you're so smart, you get the bird out.
Raj: No, you're the one who let him in.
Howard: How do you know it wasn't Leonard?
Raj: Come on.

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Bernadette: So your evil plot here is to buy your girlfriend a present?
Sheldon: That's right.

At the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.

Sheldon

Bernadette: Why'd you turn it off?
Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.
Bernadette: Maybe you'd like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.
Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

Howard: Well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one, and it'll come to it.
Leonard: It's not a moth!
Howard: Don't yell at me. You're not gonna get any good ideas out of me if you're yelling.
Leonard: Okay, so if I remain calm, I'll get more gems like, "Turn off the lights"?!
Howard: Great, we're turning on each other. That's just what the bird wants us to do!

TBBT Quotes

Raj: Well, to paraphrase Shakespeare: It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.
Penny: Oh... you poor baby.
Raj: What's wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends - and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story - I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right. E = MC squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen.

Mrs. Cooper: Shelly! I'm so glad you're here!
Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.