If you pop him, I will vomit.

Raj

Santa: All right, let me see if I've got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way to punish your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?
Sheldon: Correct.
Santa: Santa thinks dating you may be punishment enough.
Sheldon: There's an argument for that.

Bernadette: Wow, you really do love her.
Sheldon: I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.

Howard: Well, if you're so smart, you get the bird out.
Raj: No, you're the one who let him in.
Howard: How do you know it wasn't Leonard?
Raj: Come on.

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Bernadette: So your evil plot here is to buy your girlfriend a present?
Sheldon: That's right.

At the Christmas tree lot, there was mistletoe, and she kissed me under it in public. Like we were the stars of a Tijuana sex show.

Sheldon

Bernadette: Why'd you turn it off?
Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I had a drunk uncle who did all those things. Nobody sings songs about him.
Bernadette: Maybe you'd like it more if you thought of Santa as a superhero and his power is bringing joy to children.
Sheldon: My uncle was accused of that, too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.

Howard: Well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one, and it'll come to it.
Leonard: It's not a moth!
Howard: Don't yell at me. You're not gonna get any good ideas out of me if you're yelling.
Leonard: Okay, so if I remain calm, I'll get more gems like, "Turn off the lights"?!
Howard: Great, we're turning on each other. That's just what the bird wants us to do!

Howard: How the hell did a pigeon get in here?
Leonard: You shut the loading doors, right?
Howard: I thought you did.
Leonard: Do you know what a disaster this is?!
Howard: You mean 'cause this room isn't supposed to have dust in it, and we just let in a flying crap machine

Sheldon: Ugh! English pudding. Y-You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.
Amy: You're going.
Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
Amy: I don't hate you. I love you.
Sheldon: Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it.

Amy: Wait, She-Hulk's a lawyer?
Howard: Yeah, she works at a law firm in New York.
Sheldon: Yes, but she's the only monster at the firm. Between you, me and the wall,I think she's an affirmative action hire.

Sheldon: You know, speaking of attorneys,if I ever needed a lawyer,I would not hire She-Hulk.
Penny: You know what? That was almost on topic. I'm gonna say, "Good job, Sheldon."

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny, get your own Wi-Fi." No spaces.