Stan: What are you guys watchin'? A goddamned asshole show?
Evie: Vampire Creek.
Denise: It's a show about sexy teen vampires.
Stan: They live in a creek?
Denise: No. It's the name of the town.
Stan: Oh, no. You wanna see a sexy vampire, you gotta, you gotta watch those Hammer films with Ingrid Pit, that British chick with good teeth and a coupla horn-honkin' milk jugs. Oh, I gotta tell ya ... What?

Oh my God. Bats are just hang gliding mice! I better tell Fart!

Evie

I knew it. Thirty-two years old and she thinks she can stay out all night. Kids these days. No wonder we can't win a war.

Evie: Denise! What are you doing?
Denise: Killing a hobo with a hammer. What are you doing??

Denise: Hmpf. I miss Kevin.
Evie: Oh, so you have two boyfriends now. [vampire hiss] Must be nice to be you!

Evie: Stan! I'm so glad to see you! You know, earlier tonight, I met a man named Fart.
Stan: Woman, have you seen yourself?
Evie: Oh no, I can't. I don't have a reflection anymore. But seriously. Who would name their baby Fart?

Sheriff, come out and play-ayyy!

Marty Nubbin

I don't need your help. I can see with my ears, like Jesus.

Stan: You changed your shirt.
Denise: I did. How did you know?
Stan: I can smell the different thread count screaming at me like a thousand sirens.

I'm gonna bite your ding dong. [Stan tosses him across the room] I haven't forgotten about your ding dong.

Marty Nubbin

OK, confession time. The spell you just recited is, well, basically you just condemned yourselves to hell. I know. I conned you. I'm sorry. [chuckles]. Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm sorry I'm not sorry. Can you be that? I think I'm that!

Bill

Now let's bang out some spells and spring us some goddamned souls. Waddya say?

Stan Against Evil Quotes

Leon: The new sheriff is not a woman.
Stan: Well, we got that goin' for us. For a second I thought we were livin' in Europe!

Thadeus: Evelyn Barret. Unholy viper!
Evie: I am not the viper. YOU are!