You tricked me. You lied to me. Do you think I would have ever agreed to this deal if I knew I would have to kill Evie Barrett?

Stan: Hey Kev, you're my best friend, right? Can I ask you a personal question?
Kevin: Sure.
Stan: What's your last name?
Kevin: Cougar-Mellencamp. No relation.

Just think about it, Kevin. You go in and visit your loved one, and BOOM, you go and play mini-golf!

Denise

Stan: One time somebody sacrificed their own life just to save mine, and that's a heavy burden, and I get that now. So I gotta, you know I...
Nurse: Pay it forward?
Stan: If that was an expression, yeah.
Nurse: It is an expression.
Stan: No it's not.
Nurse: Yes, it was a movie.
Stan: No, not it wasn't.
Nurse: Stanley, Stanley, Stanley. [morphs into Duquette] I do believe you're ready.

Stan: You've been all the way down there?
Girl: Yeah.
Stan: You're a better man than me.

Denise: Are you sure you're saying it right?
Evie: Am I sure I'm pronouncing the dead language correctly? No, I'm not sure!

Stan: Who's going to the hospital?
Denise: You. You have that thingie where they check your doodad so you don't get the YIKES up your Hellooo!

Shut up! I'm feeling bossy and I LIKE IT!

Denise

Stan: What is this place is all topsy-turvy like in the Poseidon Adventure so the basement is the attic.
Girl: It's not.
Stan: OK. So what we have here is an upside-down Poseidon Adventure where everything is exactly as it should be. That's brilliant. That's brilliant.

Oscar the Grouch lives in garbage and nobody cares!

Evie: Stan! I'm so glad to see you! You know, earlier tonight, I met a man named Fart.
Stan: Woman, have you seen yourself?
Evie: Oh no, I can't. I don't have a reflection anymore. But seriously. Who would name their baby Fart?

Denise: Hmpf. I miss Kevin.
Evie: Oh, so you have two boyfriends now. [vampire hiss] Must be nice to be you!

Stan Against Evil Quotes

Leon: The new sheriff is not a woman.
Stan: Well, we got that goin' for us. For a second I thought we were livin' in Europe!

Thadeus: Evelyn Barret. Unholy viper!
Evie: I am not the viper. YOU are!