South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park

(Butters touches the cow crap) Ew, it's all sticky.

Butters

Stan: Hey, Kenny!
(As Stan walks into the room, Kenny's bed is empty. Kyle walks up to him)
Kyle: He just... He just... stopped breathing. And it was over.
Stan: But... Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle: He just said... "Where's Stan?"

Butters: Hey fellas, hey fellas! Eric says you gotta come to his house right away.
Stan: Tell him we're busy.
Butters: Oh ah, well he knew you'd say that so he told me to tell you that you don't want to miss this.
Kyle: What? Did he lose 100 pounds?
(The boys laugh)
Butters: Yea, yea he knew you'd say that too so he said to say, uh "Up your ass Jew".

Liane: Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you.
Cartman: Not now Mom, I've only unloaded three feti. I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil.

Cartman: Look, I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! It worked!
Stan: This whole time you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?
Cartman: Stupid fetuses!? It's my own Shakey's!
Kyle: I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you.
Cartman: I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies and I can finish up the kitchen.
Kyle: AAAHHH! (Kyle attacks Cartman)
Stan: Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend, Cartman was!

Nurse: Hey, look who's here.
Kenny: Stan??
Woman: Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones.
Bob: We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Ms. McCormick: Oh, Kenny isn't that nice?
Kenny: The Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Laura: We travel the country giving special little boys and girls like you their biggest wish.
Kyle: Neat, huh Kenny?
Kenny: Yes.
Laura: So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, what would it be?
Bob: What's your wish, pal?
Kenny: I guess the only thing I wish is to not die.
Laura: What did he say?
Kyle: He said his wish is not to die.
Laura: Okay, and, what if you're gonna have two wishes. What would the second one be?
Bob: I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
(Kenny says something)
Bob: W-what was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore, who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent, she thinks she can play guitar and she should go f*** herself.
Madonna: Should I come in now?
Bob: Uh, no not quite yet.

Cartman (on phone): Okay Gary. How about $90 a fetus?
Gary: How about $50 a fetus?
Cartman (on phone): Come on Gary. You are breaking my balls Gary! You are breaking my balls. How about $70? Okay, I'll call you back.

Principal: Hello, boys.
Stan: Wait, what's going on here?
Kyle: Alright look, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortions.That's all we know.
Mr. Mackey: You didn't do anything wrong, boys; We just need to talk to you. Have a seat.
(Stan and Kyle sit down)
Mr. Mackey: Well boys, your little friend, Kenny, went to the hospital last night, m'kay? And well...he's pretty sick.
Kyle: Kenny's sick?
Stan: Well, how sick?
Chef: Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.
Stan: But the doctor's are gonna make him better, right?
Sharon: Oh, dear.
Stan But mom, that's what hospitals are for, they can make him better.
Sharon: Oh, Randy.
Randy: They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means--well son...that means he's gonna be going to Heaven soon.
Kyle: Wait, Kenny's going to die?
Gerald: He might, Kyle.
Stan: But he's our f-f-friend.
Mr. Mackey: We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now, more then ever.
Stan: No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!
(Stan begins sobbing into his dad's shoulder)

Kyle: (Talking about Kenny) They say, he might die.
Cartman: Kenny die?

(On the phone) You're breaking my balls. I said, you're breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. My, my balls.

Butters

Cartman: Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?
Doctor: Well you have trillions of cells in your body, heart cells, skin cells, brain cells and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell, or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell, do you understand?
Cartman: Not at all, but go on.

Remember - it doesn't matter who wins. It matters who wins three times in a row.

Rich Kid
Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 253 in total

South Park Season 5 Quotes


Beef and lamb, chicken and ham,
Step to the left and clap your hands.
Gosh we love that chicken and ham.
Don't let it go to waste, chicken and ham.
clapping sound
Beef and lamb, chicken and ham,
Step to the left and clap your hands.
Got a little left, chicken and ham.
Don't let it go to waste, chicken and ham.
Beef and lamb, chicken and ham,
Step to the left and clap your hands.
Gosh we love that chicken and ham.
Don't let it go to waste, chicken and ham.

<i>Full lyrics to the song Terrance and Phillip sing, as used on the closing credits

Well, you know what I say about kids, they're all pink on the inside.

Mr. Grazier
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