South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
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Mr. Mackey: Garrison, I know this is very difficult, m'kay, but I must ask. Is there a history of sexual abuse in your family?
Mr. Garrison: Some, yes. There was my Uncle Richard. Hehe molested me.
Mr. Mackey: When was that?
Mr. Garrison: Saturday. Lastlast Saturday.

Stan: Whoa! Mr. Hat and Mr. Mackey are fighting.
Mr. Mackey: I'm gonna kick your ass. M'kay?
(children cheering)
Ms. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE!
(children settle down)
Mr. Mackey: You may have won this time Mr. Hat.

Mr. Garrison: Goddammit, I don't think you children have been working on your fingering!
Cartman: That's not true, Mr. Garrison. Kyle's been working on his fingering with his mom all night long.
(Kenny laughs)
Kyle: Shut up, fatass!
Cartman: No seriously, Kyle's mom said Kyle getting good at fingering.
(Kenny laughs harder and falls out of his chair)
Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Eric!

Mr. Mackey: M'kay Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk to Mr. Garrison. M'kay?
Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) Why would he wanna talk to a second rate, dopey assed, elementary school psychologist!?
Mr. Mackey: What did you say?!
Mr. Garrison: (as Mr. Hat) You heard me, jackass! There's monkeys that make better counselors than you!

Mr. Mackey: M'kay. That sounded great kids.
Mr. Garrison: Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock getting its neck broken.

Mr. Garrison Sr.: God Dammit! I'm not going to molest you!
Mr. Garrison: YOU DON'T LOVE ME! (Mr. Garrisons cries as he rushes up the stairs)

Oh my God! I crapped my pants!

<i>Cartman plays the "brown noise."</i> Guy Working

(To his father) Sure, you can go out and screw every whore on Rhode Island, but when it came to your own son, you were just TOO BUSY! (Mr.Garrison runs away crying)

Mr.Garrison

Am I the only sane person left on earth?!

</i> Mr. Garrison's Father

"Welcome to ARKANSAS. Yes. We are a state." - Sign at Arkansas boarder

New York Kid: Are all redneck queefs from Colorado as stupid as yous?
Kyle: All right dickhole

Mr. Garrison Sr.: What? I never sexually abused you!
Mr. Garrison: I know! I want to know why not!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: WHAT!?
Mr. Garrison: Was it because I was ugly?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Oh my God!
Mr. Garrison: It was because I wasn't good enough wasn't it?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: I...no!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 284 in total

South Park Season 3 Quotes

Chinpokomon Executive: You are American.
South Park Toy Store Owner: Yes.
Chinpokomon Executive: Ohhh, you must have very big penis!
South Park Toy Store Owner: Excuse me, I was just asking you what your up to with these toys.
Chinpokomon Executive: Nothing, we are very simple people with very small penis. Mr. Hosik's penis is especially small!
Mr. Hosik: So small.
Chinpokomon Executive: We cannot achieve so much with such small penis, but you American wow, penis so big, so big penis!
South Park Toy Store Owner: Well aah I guess it is pretty good size.

The Dreidel Song:
KYLE: Ok, Ike, you're my little brother, so I have to teach you how to celebrate Hannukah. This is called a dreidel, and you spin it around and sing this song: I have a little dreidel, I made it out of clay, and when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Oh, dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
CARTMAN: Hey, what the hell are you doing?
KYLE: Oh, hey Cartman! We're playing dreidel, you wanna try?
CARTMAN: Sure! (Singing:) Here's a little dreidel, that's small and made of clay, but I'm not gonna play with it 'cuz dreidel's freaking gay!
KYLE: Hey! Shut your mouth fatass!
CARTMAN: Jews......play stupid games......Jews.....that's why they're lame!
KYLE: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
STAN: Hey, whatcha doing? Oh, that Hannukah thing.
CARTMAN: It's SO amazing, you spin this little thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round, I could watch it all day.
STAN: Here, let me try (singing:) I'll try to make it spin, it fell, I'll try again.
(Stan repeats and Kyle starts singing at the same time as Stan's repeat.)
KYLE: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
(Now Cartman starts singing with them)
CARTMAN: Jews.........play stupid games......Jews..........that's why they're lame!
SHEILA: Hello, boys.
KYLE: Hi, mom!
SHEILA: Oh, you're all playing dreidel, how precious. You know, dreidel's a time-honored tradition to the Hebrew culture.
CARTMAN: Yes, we know Ms. Broflovski, it's so very interesting.
KYLE's MOM: (singing:) Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin, you know our people always win, keep spinning. (She repeats, Cartman starts again)
CARTMAN: Jews.......play stupid games.......Jews.......that's why they're lame!
KYLE: Oh, hi dad!
GERALD: Hello everybody, say, can I join in?
KYLE: Sure! (singing:) I have a little dreidel, that's small and made of clay, and when it's dry and ready with dreidel I shall- everybody!
(The next part is all sang at the same time)
KYLE: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
STAN: I'll try to make it spin, it fell, ill try again.
SHEILA: Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin, you know our people always win keep spinning.
CARTMAN: Jews......play stupid games........Jews that's why they're lame!
GERALD: Courtney Cox, I love you, you're so hot on that show.
(Everyone stops singing except Kyle's Dad)
GERALD: Courtney Cox, I love you, you're so hot on that show.
KYLE: Dad, we're singing about a dreidel.
GERALD: Oh.....sorry
SHEILA: We'll talk about this later Gerald!
(The next part is all sang at the same time)
STAN: I'll try to make it spin, it fell, I'll try again.
SHEILA: Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin, you know our people always win keep spinning.
CARTMAN: Jews......play stupid games........Jews that's why they're lame!
GERALD: Courtney Cox, I love you, you're so hot on that show.
KYLE: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, dreidel dreidel dreidel...
EVERYONE: ...with dreidel I shall play!!!!!