South Park

Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy Central
South park
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Cartman: I hate Barbra Streisand! I HATE her! Make her go away!
Stan: My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are. Aren't there, Chef?

Barbra Streisand: (in disguise while talking about the triangle) I want to give you boys a cash reward for finding it; it's worth a lot of money to me...
Stan: Really? Wow, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady was after it...
Barbra Streisand: Oh, uh, heh heh... Who is that, I might ask?
Kyle: She's this famous old lady who wishes she was still only 45.
(The boys all laugh and Barbra Streisand glares at them.)
Stan: Yeah. You should have seen her nose; it was big enough to land stealth bombers on!
(The boys continue to laugh and Barbra Streisand becomes angered.)
Cartman: Yeah, and talk about a bitch! All my life, I have never-
Barbra Streisand: ENOUGH!!! (the boys stop laughing) I mean, ha ha ha...

Officer Barbrady: Shouldn't you kids be in school?
Stan: It's Saturday.
Officer Barbrady: No excuses! Now move along, you little trouble makers!

Stan: Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our saviour!

Officer Barbrady: What seems to be the problem?
Barbra Streisand: Problem? No problem, officer... I was just introducing myself to these fine young boys.
Cartman: Nuh-uh! She was being a total bitch!

Mayor's Aide: Mayor! Barbra Streisand's attacking the town!
Mayor: I heard! Call the National Guard! (to herself) We'll get you, you bitch! And to think, I actually watched your HBO special!

Ms. Ellen: Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables. (Cartman raises his hand) Cartman?
Cartman: What's a multiplication table?
Ms. Ellen: Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication? (the class stares back) Well, where did he leave off?
Cartman: We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that Richard Greco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while.

Chef: Hello there, children! What's all this I hear about a new teacher?
Kyle: Ms. Ellen, dude; she's beautiful!
Chef: Is she like, uh, Vanessa Williams beautiful or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? Or is she Erin Grey in the second season of "Buck Rogers" beautiful?
Stan: Yeah, that one!
Chef: (impressed) Wooof! I've got to meet this woman!

Principal Victoria: Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for awhile, he's going to have surgery (class cheers) so you're going to have a substitute teacher, and I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison. (Kyle raises hand)...Yes little boy?
Kyle: We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.

Wendy: Stan? We're still Valentines, right?
Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.
Kyle: Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents.
Stan: Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!
Cartman: I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner. Chicks like vacuum cleaners.

Tom: All righty then. Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.
Mr. Garrison: I can live with that.

Wendy: Ms.Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course Wendy.
Wendy: I can't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Well I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course Wendy.
Wendy: Don't f*** with me!
Ms. Ellen: (surprised) What?
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whoop your sorry little ass back to last year! (gets off the seat & walks away) Bye, Ms. Ellen.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 137 in total

South Park Season 1 Quotes

Stan: Hey Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Megaman."
Kyle: Yeah, mine says "Red Megaman."
Cartman: Right, that's what your supposed to get me for my birthday.
Stan: DUDE!?!?! You're not supposed to tell people what to give you for your birthday!
Kyle: Yeah, that's weak.
Cartman: Look it's very simple guys. "Green Megaman" goes with "Red Megaman" and "Yellow Megaman" to make the "Ultra Mega Megaman." You have to have all 3 or it doesn't work, see?
Stan: Up yours Cartman, I'll get you whatever the hell I want.
Cartman: Ohh!!! so maybe you don't want to have any of my moms Cake, Pie, and Ice cream then.
Stan: Oh "Gre..Green Megaman" it is.
Cartman: Now as you can see Kenny, you are to get me "Yellow Megaman," that's because the "Yellow Megaman" is the cheapest one and I know how poor your family is.
(Damien walks to table)
Stan: Hey!?!?! what do you think you're doing new kid?
Cartman: Yeah, you can't sit with us weirdo.
Damien: Infidel's!!!! I will turn you all into "Beasts of Burden"!
Kyle: You can't sit with us new kid, go find another table!
(Damien goes and sits with Pip)
Cartman: (sighs) Anyway Kenny, "Yellow Megaman" is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments in a year, or two.
(Stan, Kyle, and Cartman laugh. Kenny punches Cartman)
Cartman: AYYY!!!!

Kyle: Dude, I have to save Ike! I don't even know what to do!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything now; that fat bitch won't let us!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?
Stan: I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do...