South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 2 Episode 1: "Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus" Quotes
Terrance: Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin.
(They look across the street and Terrance's daughter is standing there.)
Phillip: Oh, look. There she is.
Phillip: The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance.
Terrance: It sure is. Let's look for treasure.
Phillip: Yes. Let's look for treasure.
Phillip: Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right, old pal?
Scott: There ARE hard feelings! This isn't over! I'm going ta see to it that you both pay for what you've done! And do you know why?
Phillip: 'Cause you're a dick?
Scott: No! Because I hate you! You guys think that fart jokes are so funny, but they're not! In fact, I wish you were both dead and had cancer!
Phillip: Cancer??
Scott: Yes; in the head!
Terrance: "Head cancer"??
Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, the case before you today is of a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly on the head with his hammer. That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance! (Terrance farts. Both he and Phillip laugh)
Phillip: Oh, Terrance! You farted in court!
Terrance: Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense.
Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation!
Announcer
Phillip: Ugly Bob!
Celine Dion: Ugly Bob? You said your name was Handsome Bob!
Phillip: Oh, hello Ugly Bob.
Terrance: My God, you're looking hideously ugly today.
Ugly Bob: Why do you guys say stuff like that?
Terrance: Because you're goddamn ugly, Ugly Bob!
Scott: (on phone) Terrance, this is Scott.
Terrance: Hello Scott.
Phillip: (from distance) Tell him he's a smelly bastard.
Terrance: Phillip says hello, Scott.
Celine Dion: Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?
Phillip: Because that's his name you stupid bitch!
Terrance: That one's called the monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being torn about my a thousand monkeys.
Phillip: The monkey claw is smelly.
Philip: Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?
Terrance: Oh good idea, let's search for treasure.
(Phone rings, inane laughter)
Phillip: That fart sounded like a ringing phone Terrance.
Terrance: It sure did Phillip.
(Phone rings again)
Terrance: Oh wait, that is the phone.
