South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralSouth Park Season 4 Episode 9: "Do the Handicapped Go to Hell?" Quotes
Sister Anne: Eric, do you want to go to hell?
Cartman: No.
Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.
It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation, this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
</i> Cartman
They crucified Our Lord and Savior. If you don't go to hell for crucifying Our Savior, then what the hell DO you go to hell for?
</i> Priest Maxi
Chris: Oh, hi, you must be Saddam.
Saddam: And you must be Dickhead, just kidding. You're Chris, right?
Chris: Come on in.
Saddam: I brought you a potato.
Chris: Oh... thanks.
Satan: (runs into the room and grabs it) No Chris, it`s a bomb!! (chucks it into the lava)
Kyle: Mister Father! We have to ask you something.
Priest Maxi: Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?
Kyle: Yeah. If we're Jewish, are we gonna go to hell?
Priest Maxi: Well, young man, you can rest assured that according to Matthew:25, when you die you will stand before God and he will will say, "Depart from me, you curse, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels." Yes! As a Jew, your home will be the lake of fire.
(Inside the confessional, Cartman goes through his extensive list of sins. Priest Maxi on the other side of the box)
Cartman: and that was about everything from first grade. Then last year, well, you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?
Priest Maxi: Your (clears his throat) con- confession does not leave this box.
Cartman: Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.
Priest Maxi: Oh. Well, uh, arr-I'm sure he would forgive you if he knew.
Cartman: No, but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it.
(Cartman looks up for a response, but nothing happens)
Priest Maxi: (after a pause) I see.
Cartman: Yeah, and then this other time, I peed in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. (the priest grows more concerned and his jaw drops) And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog and I went number two on the sidewalk and then told officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog. (Priest Maxi's worry has turned to anger he's trying to contain) And so the priest got fined like a hundred dollars for not cleaning it up. And then this one time, I put super glue all over the priest's bottle of- (an arm tears through the partition and grabs Cartman by the throat) -eh- Ow! (throttles him back and forth) D'ow! Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow! (the priest pulls him up into the partition a few times) Eh! Oh! Help. (The confession box rocks back and forth) Oh! Somebody help! God Dammit! Let me out of here!
Sister Anne: Now, let me explain how Communion works. The priest will give you this round cracker, and he will say, "The Body of Christ," and then you eat it.
Cartman: Jesus was made of crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: What?!
Sister Anne: In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, "eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So we won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: Nononono!
Butters: Uh-well, uh-what are we eatin' then?
Sister Anne: The Body of Christ!
Stan: Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No??
Butters: Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
Kenny, Stan, Cartman: O-kay.
Saddam: Hello, Satan!
Satan: Saddam...
Saddam: Did you miss me, buttercup?
Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!
Saddam: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go? Detroit?
