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Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: You want to make $28?

What evidence is there that cats are so smart anyway? What do they do? Because they're clean? I'm sorry. My uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to 10 so don't give me hygiene.

Elaine

Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed I'm sure he's got super humor.

...a robot butcher.

George

Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!

Dry Cleaner: (to Jerry) May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.
Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in?
Jerry: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?
Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt?
Jerry: I can't find the receipt.
Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt.
Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt- look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?
Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money? In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. Just once, I would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.
Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed.
Jerry: No! Dry-cleaned!
Dry Cleaner: Let me explain to you something, okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing --
Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
Dry Cleaner: (looks around making sure not too many people are listening) I shrunk it.

George: I know a guy who took a vacation on his change.
Jerry: Yeah, Where'd he go, an arcade?

I'm really running out of excuses with this guy. I need some sort of "excuse Rolodex."

Jerry

George: She calls me up at my office, she says, 'We have to talk.'
Jerry: Uch, the four worst words in the English language.
George: That, or 'Whose bra is this?'

George: Can you change this (penny jug) into bills?
Bank Teller: I'm sorry sir, we can't do that.
George: Look, they did this for me before!
Bank Teller: Look, I can give you these (penny rolls) and you can roll them yourself.
George: You want me to roll 6,000 of these?! What should I quit my job?!

(on George's fanny pack) Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.

Jerry

Most men like working on things. Tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to this activity. They just come wandering out of the house like zombies. Men, it's true, men hear a drill, it's like a dog whistle. Just (his head perks up) you know, they go running up to that living room curtain, "Honey, I think Jim's working on something over there." So they run over to the guy. Now they don't actually help the guy. No, they just want to hang around the area where work is being done. That's what men want to do. We want to watch the guy, we want to talk to him, we want to ask him dumb questions. You know, "What are you using, a Phillips-head?" You know, we feel involved. That's why when they have construction sites; they have to have those wood panel fences around it, that's just to keep the men out. They cut those little holes for us so we can see what the hell is going on. But if they don't cut those holes, we are climbing those fences. Right over there. "What are you using the steel girders down there? Yeah, that'll hold."

Jerry
Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 78 in total

Seinfeld Season 1 Quotes

I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I I I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! "I don't think she likes me." The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like "Where to meet men?" We're here, we are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry

Let's face it, a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.

Jerry